The Big Fat Fun Sale
Sales are exciting, sure. But here’s a list of things you could keep yourself from doing at them:
- Do not get excited. Wait, that’s the first adjective I used here. Yet, I have a theory, the more you get excited at a sale, the more your energy levels lessen faster. So in order to sustain your happiness and keep it going longer, prevent the hormones from gushing out like water from a damn burst.
- Have a firm countenance. Sales are places where people lose all sense of sanity and go back to the Adam-al roots they came from. People go wild, crazy, berserk. Maintain your calm, and look scrutinize things sternly. Try and intimidate people so that you can grab whatever you want before they do.
- Do NOT be polite. No one is courteous at a sale. If they are, they’re faking it so that you can give in to their whims of having that single left pair of Prada shoes, half off.
- Saunter through the mess with speed. If you do not possess speed or agility, really, it’s no point even going to a sale. Build up these skills, and then go wild. Always carry a huge bag so that you can put in whatever you see and like. After you’re done, you can throw away what you don’t need and purchase the rest.
- Never, ever, ever wear high heels at a sale. Unless of course you have a couple of your girlfriends with you and you’re just on guard and going to kick someone in the shins with those deadly inches if they take what you want away.
- Do not ever ask your boyfriend to go to a sale with you. Because you’re going to end up with no clothes and a highly-excited-at-first-heavily-annoyed-man-later. There might just be a big break up scene on the cash counter too, if you’ve put him through this entire ordeal a couple of times earlier.
- Always ask a gay friend to go along with you. Trust me, he’s going to help you pick out the best things ever.
- Never go on a hungry stomach. Remember, this is as good a sport as any other.
- Always, always have a fashion anthem ringing in your head during the sale.
- Remember: A girl’s just as hot as the shoes she chooses.
x EdgyShark x