It’s Raining Harder

I’ve never believed there’s a God. Religion’s always been a subject that’s irritated me to bits because I don’t understand the idea of praying before someone and feeling small in front of an entity that we’ve never set eyes upon. Who knows if He exists right? We’ve got so many people in the world believing in different ideas of the same God, just like a sea of humanity, with one musician here and a Steve Jobs there.

Then again, out of sheer desperation, there have been times when I’ve been reduced to what every man does in a terrible terrible situation – ask God for help. Just because it seemed like the right thing, heck the only thing to do at the time.

I’ve asked for a lot of personal stuff I’m not comfortable writing about, that involved every other person that I know, ranging from my mum to people I don’t know like the one beggar I always saw on the street on my way to school and the chauffeur and only He knows who else, and He got them what I asked Him to get them.

I have seen it happening in front of me, and I know they’ve got what I asked Him to get them. But I’ve only ever asked for very few things for myself. I asked God to get me into NLUD. He betrayed me there, and put me into HNLU instead. After that the one thing I remember asking for was to have people around me who cared for me and appreciated my presence. Didn’t happen either. I consoled myself by telling myself that I didn’t ask for it with a pure heart or I didn’t ask for that strong enough.

If there’s something, He’s only let me fall and I don’t want to go into all that philosophical shit about how you gotta fall to get back on your feet. I didn’t ask for lessons in happiness, then again, I didn’t even ask for happiness. All I asked for was some care and affection.

Guess it’s too much to ask for because it’s raining harder than ever. I’m in a bit of a fix now because I’ve asked for the happiness of a lot of people, and they’re really settled in their lives now, I can see that. No one’s asked for happiness for me because it’s too many wishes gone waste.

Yet, dilemmas and nightmares are taking a toll on me because I don’t know now whether to believe or not to believe.. I know when you ask for something, you sure do get it, but it’s not making me happy and I’m tired of looking out for the rest of the world, feeding everyone I know with muffin tops and keeping the burnt bits for myself.

Profound how this force is just pulling me under with every passing minute. I guess I’m one of few that know He’s there but don’t want to believe because He’s doing nothing for me.

I wouldn’t thus say it’s easier, but Guillaume Canet’s more real to me than God will be. Canet + pizza on a really bad night back in shutter island as opposed to shutting my eyes tight and soaking my soul with the warmth of my salty tears doesn’t just sound better, it feels better too. Whatever floats my boat, right?

x EdgyShark x