Esse Est Percipi
There are days when I feel the pain that the world talks about so openly; days when someone else has so much power over me that I’m exposed and so vulnerable that I don’t even mind being tugged at like a puppet. Because of that thrust of trust into someone else’s hands. (Why would I do that? Well, that’s really how much I care.)
Why does everything have to be so diffused and scattered? I feel like my unconscious mind is playing a dirty trick on me – something so surreptitious that it’s conniving against me with utmost hatred for no reason at all – at least no reason I can easily fathom. I guess that’s what it means to be purely evil. Does that make me an evil person?
I’m not even sure as to how to answer that question. What context are we traversing upon? Moreover, how can such heartache even be possible? Of course its a freaking conspiracy as soon as all of this turmoil is heightened with period pain. And I thought I had no threshold? Today’s the 11th of April and it’s only 10:53 AM.
Aren’t prayers known to solve things? Or even bring some rain to a drought ridden zone? I’m praying so hard, it’s like hypocrisy on my fundamentalism.
It’s ironic how you mean something you say and then you go beat the shit out of that with a skillet and say something that makes someone else burn like a furnace. Life goes on and gets heavy. People move the shit on even when something as important as their parents are no more. But that doesn’t mean the pain isn’t there? It’s not about getting on with life; eventually, quite obviously, everyone does that.
I’d trade anything for a wish right about now, if for nothing, then to just turn back time and fix whatever it is that I did and let you know how much you mean. That’s always been your fear isn’t it? You left me hanging there on the boat alone. I didn’t say anything. Doesn’t that count for anything? That there’s always hope? And everything makes sense, you’ve just got to open your eyes and see it! (I’m just looking at everything. Please don’t yell. It freaks me out when someone gets mad at me. But I still stood ground and listened to everything. And watched you lift a finger.)
I have excellent reason to hate the entire male populace – beyond anything anyone else has experienced. But we can’t let these things get in our way, can we? You’ve no clue about 20 years too, but then how about we make the next 20 something to remember?
I can’t ever be brave. And I’m not afraid of that. It’s cool. I guess I like that rush.
And this isn’t really anything all that serious, but it sure does feel like it. It sucks so bad and if that means nothing then well and good. But it does to me, so thank you please, very much I shall hold on to my feelings without anyone else telling me what (not) to feel. And I know everyone else does that too, people just try being overtly cool by pretending that life can be lived detached from all beings.
I’m really at a loss of words right now, because everything that I make an attempt to say will go against me. And I’m not even sure why. All I did was like you. And that’s all I even said.
Is that such a bad thing? I thought it was beautiful. But you’re making it out to be a beautiful disaster.
I will always see the best in people. And I will always hope that you come back and at least, speak to me. What else can I do? Literally got you abusing me in front of so many other people, that still doesn’t tell you I care enough to be there?
P.S Entertainment equals an international law class. I guess I just really like being around you and well my heart’s on my sleeve. (I’m not really sure how the two sentences connect, but it’s really funny how .. I lost my train of thought. I’ve been super distracted since Pillai talked about dispute resolution earlier today; if that counts for anything.)
x EdgyShark x
This was just a whole lot of meaningful rambling. I’m surprised I’m so out of my mind. I guess there’s a first time for everything.