In Need of Elixir
I’m feelin’ electric tonight, cruising down the coast going ’bout 99.
I’m on fire, I can feel it everywhere, and nothing scares me anymore. Except well, I’m the biggest scared critter there ever roamed the Earth. After maybe Scooby Doo but then again, that’s a cartoon.
Everything’s a mess. I feel like I’m on an island and I never want to leave that island. The moment I touch the water to traverse upon it, it’s going to consume me whole. As long as I’m friendly, the waves understand who I am. As soon as I even so much as think about escaping(? terrible terrible usage of word), there’s going to be a shark that jumps right out and swallows me whole. After probably munching me to pieces like okra.
No incessant tai-chi breathing is going to help this. No amount of music can make this better. Nothing is going to calm me down until I touch base at R@wr-Town and tell myself this is it. At least for the next six months. So what am I so afraid of?
I hate goodbyes. I detest them with every fibre of my being; I loathe saying goodbye to someone I love, something or some place I adore to the last letter. And more than all of that, I hate being the one left. Granted it’s not a sordid goodbye, more a bientot as compared to an indefinite au revoir, yet it irks my soul somewhere. Unless I’m really not looking forward to meeting a face for the rest of my life, and I’m triply sure about the same, I try and keep my ‘byes’ to a minimal greeting.
Coming back to why my fingertips are so jittery and my insides are rattling like a happy baby pram, I don’t think I can do this anymore. I mean I’ve got to and I will eventually, but that’s beside the point.
The point being, I can’t:
a) take anyone yelling profanity at me or even raising their voice or being curt for no reason at all and treating me with absolute disrespect, especially when I know I deserve if not large then at least a miniscule ounce of the same;
b) indulge in all this moving business anymore.
Erhmygawd I cannot go back to rainy Raipur!
I’m not even making sense right now because deep down I want to be left alone, but on the surface, I fear being left alone. Don’t you just hate it when your very being transforms into a paradoxical situation? 😐
I’m just so shaky inside right now it’s like I’m the creaky window pane the rain’s lashing against. I can go on with a world of analogies and make myself sound like a martyr but the truth is also that watching Bhaag Milkha last night also left me feeling rather inadequate about the last twenty years of my life. Once again, that feeling of why the hell was I not thrown into the army or some serious ballet lessons when I was a kid?
I am so emotionally attached to certain things I end up breaking myself over and over again without any external assistance.
I feel so darned stupid right now.
So DARNED STUPID for letting slip my oh SO glorious aortic pump like a plastic raincoat on a rocky waterfall. But then I love doing that, without hoping for a return on any sort of investment. In the office, I’d be considered a complete moron, but inside my insides I guess, I just love to love. And once I begin to love something, damn that’s one lucky thing I’ll be a-lovin’. 🙂
Where the hell was I and where did I just go? I need a birds eye view of the wires in my brain, some petrol and my leg on the accelerator.
*Sigh* IF only. Okay, so please don’t raise your voice, weapons that may be cups of Starbucks frappuccinos are cool. Voice is not. Bring on over some hot chocolate and cupcakes now.
x EdgyShark x