God Knows, We’re Worth It
January’s over. I’m still sitting around in my pajamas, desperately soaking whatever sun reaches me under my lilac-and-yellow-girls-grinning-comforter. My chip obsession is back and god knows my body doesn’t really understand the whole emulsifiers aren’t good for you or whatever that’s supposed to be. Healthy is out, self-destruct is in.
Discipline wise, I can sense that I’m raging into a maniac but again, my head doesn’t really seem to understand, or be concerned for that matter. It’s a tad frightening, but I’m getting used to it.
It’s like a broken clock, an hourglass with the sand stuck on an end. Yet before we know it, it’ll probably be over. (Thank GOD for that?)
But see the problem is that as of today, right this very moment, with all this chill indie music billowing through my small den, I have lost the will to see what might happen tomorrow. I had all these dreams and all these goals and all these happy possible future memories of things and life, and now I’m just thinking, what’s the point?
Sure, I’ll get to all those goals I ticked out on that piece of rotten paper I stuck on my wall for myself to see every morning when I wake up and to remind myself what I’m doing here in this hell hole, but what’ll still be the point of having toiled through something that’s causing me so much torment?
(I was gunning at language like pain and suffering but I decided against it, I guess its just a self projection of what Im feeling inside.)
I used to think I’m depressed and empty and all that. It’s not true, I’ve got lots to do and lots to accomplish, but then again, what’s the point of getting these things done with a sad frown on my ugly face?
I’m feeling pretty stable, but see, that’s the problem, again. I’ve always been this euphoric kid with six balloons and refills of cotton candy wearing my favourite pair of red dungrees. Or like this happy girl sipping slushies cruising in a fast car, gleefully clapping my self-crafted gloved hands thinking to myself, does it get any better than this!
I don’t even know where she is anymore. I meet her sometimes, but I guess she runs away because of all the possible BLAH plastered on my face.
I need a sign.
Goodness, I’m happy, alright. I just want to get.out.of.this.rollercoaster.ride. I’m not even sure there will be a superlative feeling once I am past the temporary gates they have put up here, I’m not even sure of anything.
But as of today, it’s too cold. And it’s saturating my senses. And it’s overwhelming and I feel distraught (though stable! yes I have achieved that..) And I’m just trying to please. Nothing I do seems to make anyone or me happy.
AND HIBERNATING IS = PURE INDIGNATION!
I have stuff to do now.
x EdgyShark x