“Im going to defame this bloody place down.”
I have really managed to put my anxiety attacks under control, on another, albeit related, note.
The college authorities have really flown off the handle (this time?) Just witnessed an entire gathering of festive enthusiasts get suspended for conforming with tradition. It’s that colourful time of the year again on the Hindu calendar and well, you can’t really blame people for spreading a little cheer in this ridiculously poop coloured institution.
All my gratitude to your sorry stymied behinds for having shut down the library and the cyber zone for four whole days. It is because of you that I am having to endure Rebecca Black’s Friday just because TGIF. There’s no weekend, there is only focus to look forward to.
[If it’s not enough torture already, they just published the end term schedule and it’s gazumping with our brains on the loop. Seems like it was just a tad difficult to not be ruthless and/or fiendish and inform us that the semester would be ending a couple days earlier. My fairy godmother’s going to fly me back on her magic carpet. Of course that can be preponed, without a hitch.]
Nonetheless, we are SO getting through and spending this much deserved extended weekend towards the later half of this year all across on the other side of this Brobdingnagian globe. Hi-five partner, je t’aime!
I’m sorry for trying to bring you down and I really mean that I’m not going to get all hot and cold and naive and collusive because I understand, as much as the contrary may seem to persist, that you’re only a child too. We all are. And you’re only trying to keep your boat afloat.
Can I just stick a flag on your sail though? Pretty please 🙂 I love the water right now too. Let’s dip our feet down and let dolphins swerve and meander around our ankles!
I’m telling you, the day we get out of this place, we’ve survived, I’m going to sing ‘We are the Champions’ butt naked on the roof.
x EdgyShark x
P.S I still need my degree, which is probably going to be provisional for a couple years after I pass out, so don’t take that above mentioned dare as a contractual obligation on my part. I’m all for a nude jig, dancing to Queen but I don’t think R@wr-town’s ready for me yet.
SCRRRRRRRRRRRRATCH THAAAT! (the last post —-> below)
OMG it just struck me like a bolt of lightning; HAPPINESS IS EVERYTHING!
You know all the crap that my negative mind spewed out earlier? It was just on its dramatic best.
It’s beautiful to have goals and dreams and you know what’s even better?
To watch all that come true.
Heck I just wiped off tears of joy from my face even *thinking* about the day that my mental-moment-movies come true! I can totally picture it, (No, I’m not going to give you the benefit of knowing *snide countenance*)
It’s just the best feeling ever.. imagine what it’d be like to even have all that actually unravel later in life!
THAT’S THE POINT!
OUI! OUI! You’re not better alone, you’re only you when you’re surrounded by the people that love you and you have that love in your heart that fills you up, and it’s for them that you wake up every morning and rock the world like a total star!
x EdgyShark x
January’s over. I’m still sitting around in my pajamas, desperately soaking whatever sun reaches me under my lilac-and-yellow-girls-grinning-comforter. My chip obsession is back and god knows my body doesn’t really understand the whole emulsifiers aren’t good for you or whatever that’s supposed to be. Healthy is out, self-destruct is in.
Discipline wise, I can sense that I’m raging into a maniac but again, my head doesn’t really seem to understand, or be concerned for that matter. It’s a tad frightening, but I’m getting used to it.
It’s like a broken clock, an hourglass with the sand stuck on an end. Yet before we know it, it’ll probably be over. (Thank GOD for that?)
But see the problem is that as of today, right this very moment, with all this chill indie music billowing through my small den, I have lost the will to see what might happen tomorrow. I had all these dreams and all these goals and all these happy possible future memories of things and life, and now I’m just thinking, what’s the point?
Sure, I’ll get to all those goals I ticked out on that piece of rotten paper I stuck on my wall for myself to see every morning when I wake up and to remind myself what I’m doing here in this hell hole, but what’ll still be the point of having toiled through something that’s causing me so much torment?
(I was gunning at language like pain and suffering but I decided against it, I guess its just a self projection of what Im feeling inside.)
I used to think I’m depressed and empty and all that. It’s not true, I’ve got lots to do and lots to accomplish, but then again, what’s the point of getting these things done with a sad frown on my ugly face?
I’m feeling pretty stable, but see, that’s the problem, again. I’ve always been this euphoric kid with six balloons and refills of cotton candy wearing my favourite pair of red dungrees. Or like this happy girl sipping slushies cruising in a fast car, gleefully clapping my self-crafted gloved hands thinking to myself, does it get any better than this!
I don’t even know where she is anymore. I meet her sometimes, but I guess she runs away because of all the possible BLAH plastered on my face.
I need a sign.
Goodness, I’m happy, alright. I just want to get.out.of.this.rollercoaster.ride. I’m not even sure there will be a superlative feeling once I am past the temporary gates they have put up here, I’m not even sure of anything.
But as of today, it’s too cold. And it’s saturating my senses. And it’s overwhelming and I feel distraught (though stable! yes I have achieved that..) And I’m just trying to please. Nothing I do seems to make anyone or me happy.
AND HIBERNATING IS = PURE INDIGNATION!
I have stuff to do now.
x EdgyShark x
Will I forever remain so unsynchronized with my head and all of rationality? Will you accept that about me?
I’m sitting on this half-heartedly constructed rectangular concrete pillar on the terrace, letting my soul wither away in the gentle winter chill. The time calls for nature just about touching dusk; my favourite time of day. I love the light, I love it when the light’s just beginning to say goodbye. I love how the sky craves and turns scarlet, begging the light to not go. As I sit here, allowing the gentle wind to whisper through strands of my hair, I can hear the sky and I can feel how overwhelmed it’s getting. If I quieten my thoughts and squint my eyes in deep concentration, I can almost barely make out how the sky’s being forced to turn orange, and then brown, and then slowly, the clouds sift past.
I smile to myself as shades of indigo seep in like repeated waves of the ocean. The light will be back, I tell the sky. I don’t want the light to go either, but I’ll be patiently waiting because I know I love the light too much and it will learn that.
And maybe this sadistic turn of events makes me happy because I know what it feels like to be reunited. To meet someone after feeling like you’ve been momentarily torn apart; to be told that you’re not. I know that feeling. You make me feel that feeling.
I’m still sitting there, smiling like a fool. There’s vast expanse of land in front of my eyes, just an open canvas. And in all that space, in all that wondrous atmosphere plays a slideshow of images from my memories. I’m navigating through the clouds, and all I can see is you. I see you, and I see smidgens of moments transiently flipping through, but most of all, I see your resplendent aura, gazing into mine. Just a half of these dozen last months, my home, the new city, the missing puzzle pieces, that feel like forever. And every conjecture will be.
And as far back as these images go, I see you. And there is no more. And then there’s a stroke of lightning that lights up the sky. And there’s my rainbow.
And then the stars, they burn. Some even fall to the earth.
You’re so beautiful; too beautiful for words. And I am afraid that if I touch you, then you will shatter. And all I am, will shatter.
Dear God, I ask for strength.
To be and to love so much more than what I think I can. That is all.
x EdgyShark x
कर्म, मन, वचन || इन तीन चीज़ों को पास रखो || अच्छे कर्म तब जाग्रत होते हैं जब मन स्वच्छ रहता है और वचन सॉफ रहते हैं || अंधकार को मिटाने की चाह दिल की सीमा पर से कभी नही मिटनी चाहिए; जिस प्रकार सागर की लहर बालू को छूती रहती है, उस ही प्रकार अच्छे मान से, करमो से, एवं वचन से, हर सुबह को रोशनी दिखाओ || और क्या है? तभी तो तुम भी लहर हो; स्वयं को भूलो मत, इन कठिन पीढ़ों में ही रक्त अपने मान की शांति को दान करने में मज़ा है || इस बुरे वक्त का भी अंत आएगा; अंधकार में रोशनी छिपी है, घौर से देखो, घौर से गहराई महसूस करो ||
x EdgyShark x
It’s taken me forever to get done with an application form for a coveted internship. It’s brought me to the realization that I really have done nothing with my life.
With every passing question, I began to invisibly develop a sweaty brow and a jittery state of mind, which was quite apparent on my wrist and external self. And all the loathing did no good really, my desire to calm down was overpowered by my stupid brain whacking me on the inside.
I’ve reached that milestone now where being asked what I want has become a thing of the daily. And that haunt came back more alive than ever with that dratted app: where do you see yourself two years and five years from now?
Instead of writing corporate jack like ‘I see myself being indispensable to the needs of a law firm in the financial sector,’ what I really wanted to say was this – that I have no idea in Hades’ hell where I’m going to be because everytime that I do plan on being somewhere, I end up somewhere else altogether. I don’t know if I’ll be working my arse off at some kickass corporate firm or be lying on my bum on some beach. Or be doing both; with money comes the power to sunbathe in Santorini. Now that’s what I ideally want. I want to earn truckloads of money and have the best wedding ever and have the Wedding Filmer come and give me a lifetime of videos to watch and weep at everyday; I want money so I can go lose myself in Tomorrowland; I want to earn so much and buy the best freaking house in the best corner of Bombay and have my parents be so proud of me. I want all that money and splurge beans at luxury stores just because I can. I see myself with so much money that all I do is buy all kinds of croc candies for a super cute baby that I have (now that’s like a pretty long term goal, please don’t be alarmed, there will be no little sharklings in the next five years.)
I see myself as a published author, someone who people admire; I see myself having left a mark.
I want to leave a mark so bad.
This is all so unnerving. I feel so inadequate right now. And that’s when I freaked my guts out and walked out on my application form. But it can’t really go screw itself because I really need that form to be kickass material.
That’s the first step anyway right, to this entire roller coaster?
Why can’t I just sit in a corner and look cute and be petted and everyone just be happy as they are and love and be loved. Oh god it’s time to start understanding market derivatives there is no time for sitting pretty and acting like a total lunatic.
I need to go home and figure out my life. What the hell is this concept of a home anyway? BHAK.
x EdgyShark x
Something’s pulling me under; something’s pulling me asunder.
My throat is all clenched up and hyperventilation’s become a thing of the present.
I feel like I’m on fire, and not even in a good way. I honestly have no idea wnbteoig wfs wkngH I am sick of the words ‘ought and should’ and what not, partly because of my jurisprudence syllabus.
I am just too in deep with emotion and my greatest fear I guess, is that that won’t be valued.
I’m not even sure if that’s okay or not.
JITTER FREAKING BUGS.
WHEN DID I START GETTING ALL NERVOUS? SOMEONE TOSS ME A BANANA PLEASE I READ SOMEWHERE THEY CONTAIN VITAMIN B AND THAT CALMS THE SOUL DOWN.
WHEN DID I START EATING BANANAS AND CONSUMING MILK LIKE A DEPRAVED STRAY CRITTER?
This is really embarrassing but I’m just reminded time and again that I have no knees at all and that you make me go all jelly and wobbly like the Prince of Idaho. Somehow that makes me think about bumblebees and how you cannot stop laughing at how retarded I got that day I was enamored in yellow.
I know that just because it’s not happening now doesn’t mean it never will. (I need to stop letting Pinterest sympathise with me.)
I want to hit myself in the head with a rock. Trust me, if anyone got around to doing that I will welcome it and not hold them liable because I’d rather feel some physical torment light me up for a change so there’s some distraction from within the confines of my cable wires chaotic stupid head.
Oh why WHY GOD WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE HIM SO BEAUTIFUL? Don’t even answer that.
This post is so messed up. I WANT TO GO HOME. WE HOME!
x EdgyShark x
I’m feelin’ electric tonight, cruising down the coast going ’bout 99.
I’m on fire, I can feel it everywhere, and nothing scares me anymore. Except well, I’m the biggest scared critter there ever roamed the Earth. After maybe Scooby Doo but then again, that’s a cartoon.
Everything’s a mess. I feel like I’m on an island and I never want to leave that island. The moment I touch the water to traverse upon it, it’s going to consume me whole. As long as I’m friendly, the waves understand who I am. As soon as I even so much as think about escaping(? terrible terrible usage of word), there’s going to be a shark that jumps right out and swallows me whole. After probably munching me to pieces like okra.
No incessant tai-chi breathing is going to help this. No amount of music can make this better. Nothing is going to calm me down until I touch base at R@wr-Town and tell myself this is it. At least for the next six months. So what am I so afraid of?
I hate goodbyes. I detest them with every fibre of my being; I loathe saying goodbye to someone I love, something or some place I adore to the last letter. And more than all of that, I hate being the one left. Granted it’s not a sordid goodbye, more a bientot as compared to an indefinite au revoir, yet it irks my soul somewhere. Unless I’m really not looking forward to meeting a face for the rest of my life, and I’m triply sure about the same, I try and keep my ‘byes’ to a minimal greeting.
Coming back to why my fingertips are so jittery and my insides are rattling like a happy baby pram, I don’t think I can do this anymore. I mean I’ve got to and I will eventually, but that’s beside the point.
The point being, I can’t:
a) take anyone yelling profanity at me or even raising their voice or being curt for no reason at all and treating me with absolute disrespect, especially when I know I deserve if not large then at least a miniscule ounce of the same;
b) indulge in all this moving business anymore.
Erhmygawd I cannot go back to rainy Raipur!
I’m not even making sense right now because deep down I want to be left alone, but on the surface, I fear being left alone. Don’t you just hate it when your very being transforms into a paradoxical situation? 😐
I’m just so shaky inside right now it’s like I’m the creaky window pane the rain’s lashing against. I can go on with a world of analogies and make myself sound like a martyr but the truth is also that watching Bhaag Milkha last night also left me feeling rather inadequate about the last twenty years of my life. Once again, that feeling of why the hell was I not thrown into the army or some serious ballet lessons when I was a kid?
I am so emotionally attached to certain things I end up breaking myself over and over again without any external assistance.
I feel so darned stupid right now.
So DARNED STUPID for letting slip my oh SO glorious aortic pump like a plastic raincoat on a rocky waterfall. But then I love doing that, without hoping for a return on any sort of investment. In the office, I’d be considered a complete moron, but inside my insides I guess, I just love to love. And once I begin to love something, damn that’s one lucky thing I’ll be a-lovin’. 🙂
Where the hell was I and where did I just go? I need a birds eye view of the wires in my brain, some petrol and my leg on the accelerator.
*Sigh* IF only. Okay, so please don’t raise your voice, weapons that may be cups of Starbucks frappuccinos are cool. Voice is not. Bring on over some hot chocolate and cupcakes now.
x EdgyShark x
Pushed, shoved, kicked, let there be blood.
They really don’t exaggerate when they compare that picture of Gerard Butler’s sexy Sparta mouth screaming profanities in 300 to the local train situation in Mumbai.
It’s been some time for me travelling this mode of commute, but today just pinned the tail on the donkey. Note to self: Must carry oxygen mask the next time I decide to get on the slow train from one end of the city to the other, during the peak rush hour.
There was a point when I was so consumed by the sea of human bodies around me that I thought I’d just picture blackness and faint – but you gotta be strong, eh, I told myself. Besides there was no room for dramatics, someone would have whacked me with a plastic bag or umbrella even if I inched a step anywhere.
My intestines felt so squirmy being crushed between the weight of a heavyweight woman and the handlebars on the seat; and my disgusted expressions with all the sweat odor driving up my olfactory senses only deterred the ladies to not let me breathe further.
I took my earphones off once when Mahim junction strayed past the platform and realized there was a lady yelling behind me in crass Hindi saying, “Isko bolo ‘sift’ karne! Lower Parel se khadi hai nalayak!”
Like really?! She just ruined the JT Mirrors moment I was having on my berry music player thinking about all the crazy I could get up to.
No amount of my two month long training in Tai Chi or Kung Fu has ever come of use at such a dire time.
Getting off at Andheri was another obstacle race on its own. Screaming infants and beings a hundred times my size lambasted the sizable gates of heaven and I was literally bulldozed and thrust off the train as I propelled into the arms of breathing space again.
I have never been so grateful to INHALE.
It was literally a combat session with resurrection.
I’m happy the ink on my nape now has a novel meaning.
x EdgyShark x
I can’t believe how big a lazy bum I have become – with my blog that is. I’ve deprived you of some two long months of my bipolar existence, and I cannot even fathom how you must’ve had to survive depending on other kinds of thought catalogs (pun very well intended :P) to get by with your lives.
Now that all that modesty’s out of the way;
So much has changed over the last few insane weeks! My life has literally flipped over like a Spanish omelette and everything I thought I was has been stripped off of me like fondant over the spongiest butter cream cake. I’ve learnt so much about myself with respect to the world around me.
For starters, I think it’s pointless to live in the future. All the things that you think will live on with you, just might take a different turn somewhere. So it’s best to know that what you have right now is golden, and if it does tend to stay later in life, then there’s nothing better than that. But if it doesn’t, I’ll still have memories to hold on to, right?
With that said, I’ve moved cities; YES! Mum’s finally made the decision and the switching and shifting is already well under process. We’ve got a cozy new place in the best city in the country and Bombay’s just love now for me. Like it always was –> (Spock mama i<3you!)
On another note, I think I’ve landed planes on one of the best internships ever – at Vibrant Holiday Destinations – a premier venture of avid travelers in the realm of the travel industry (i wrote that for the business letter, so now I’m just showing off :P) But yes, the environment is abuzz and great. And I get to wear clothes that have colour; the added advantage of not doing rounds in court.
I’m so happy with the friends that I have right now – they’re really not too many and honestly, being in touch with people without them reciprocating is a recipe for disaster. So it’s really nice to meet a new mile marker along the way, and create moments of happiness. So one day, when I’m sitting by a fire on a beach with some random dudes from Germany, I can be like, ‘hey, you know what? I spent this great evening with someone I care about deeply. And his mum cooked the best, most sumptuous dinner ever. LIKE EVER. 😀 And then we went on a drive and just looked at the sea for an hour. And I didn’t want that time to end but time can be such a snitch, it just passes and passes and then it snickers back at you when you try to hold onto your horses.’
And they’ll grin at me and wish with all their might that they had been in my place.
I have a crazy tummy/rib injury and colleagues eyeing my workstation (which very cosmically has 23 plastered in black across the drawer) so I’m going to tune in, in a while.
In the meantime, don’t be eaten by crocodiles!
x EdgyShark x
P.S Stuck like Glue!