Will I forever remain so unsynchronized with my head and all of rationality? Will you accept that about me?
I’m sitting on this half-heartedly constructed rectangular concrete pillar on the terrace, letting my soul wither away in the gentle winter chill. The time calls for nature just about touching dusk; my favourite time of day. I love the light, I love it when the light’s just beginning to say goodbye. I love how the sky craves and turns scarlet, begging the light to not go. As I sit here, allowing the gentle wind to whisper through strands of my hair, I can hear the sky and I can feel how overwhelmed it’s getting. If I quieten my thoughts and squint my eyes in deep concentration, I can almost barely make out how the sky’s being forced to turn orange, and then brown, and then slowly, the clouds sift past.
I smile to myself as shades of indigo seep in like repeated waves of the ocean. The light will be back, I tell the sky. I don’t want the light to go either, but I’ll be patiently waiting because I know I love the light too much and it will learn that.
And maybe this sadistic turn of events makes me happy because I know what it feels like to be reunited. To meet someone after feeling like you’ve been momentarily torn apart; to be told that you’re not. I know that feeling. You make me feel that feeling.
I’m still sitting there, smiling like a fool. There’s vast expanse of land in front of my eyes, just an open canvas. And in all that space, in all that wondrous atmosphere plays a slideshow of images from my memories. I’m navigating through the clouds, and all I can see is you. I see you, and I see smidgens of moments transiently flipping through, but most of all, I see your resplendent aura, gazing into mine. Just a half of these dozen last months, my home, the new city, the missing puzzle pieces, that feel like forever. And every conjecture will be.
And as far back as these images go, I see you. And there is no more. And then there’s a stroke of lightning that lights up the sky. And there’s my rainbow.
And then the stars, they burn. Some even fall to the earth.
You’re so beautiful; too beautiful for words. And I am afraid that if I touch you, then you will shatter. And all I am, will shatter.
Dear God, I ask for strength.
To be and to love so much more than what I think I can. That is all.
x EdgyShark x
There are days when I feel the pain that the world talks about so openly; days when someone else has so much power over me that I’m exposed and so vulnerable that I don’t even mind being tugged at like a puppet. Because of that thrust of trust into someone else’s hands. (Why would I do that? Well, that’s really how much I care.)
Why does everything have to be so diffused and scattered? I feel like my unconscious mind is playing a dirty trick on me – something so surreptitious that it’s conniving against me with utmost hatred for no reason at all – at least no reason I can easily fathom. I guess that’s what it means to be purely evil. Does that make me an evil person?
I’m not even sure as to how to answer that question. What context are we traversing upon? Moreover, how can such heartache even be possible? Of course its a freaking conspiracy as soon as all of this turmoil is heightened with period pain. And I thought I had no threshold? Today’s the 11th of April and it’s only 10:53 AM.
Aren’t prayers known to solve things? Or even bring some rain to a drought ridden zone? I’m praying so hard, it’s like hypocrisy on my fundamentalism.
It’s ironic how you mean something you say and then you go beat the shit out of that with a skillet and say something that makes someone else burn like a furnace. Life goes on and gets heavy. People move the shit on even when something as important as their parents are no more. But that doesn’t mean the pain isn’t there? It’s not about getting on with life; eventually, quite obviously, everyone does that.
I’d trade anything for a wish right about now, if for nothing, then to just turn back time and fix whatever it is that I did and let you know how much you mean. That’s always been your fear isn’t it? You left me hanging there on the boat alone. I didn’t say anything. Doesn’t that count for anything? That there’s always hope? And everything makes sense, you’ve just got to open your eyes and see it! (I’m just looking at everything. Please don’t yell. It freaks me out when someone gets mad at me. But I still stood ground and listened to everything. And watched you lift a finger.)
I have excellent reason to hate the entire male populace – beyond anything anyone else has experienced. But we can’t let these things get in our way, can we? You’ve no clue about 20 years too, but then how about we make the next 20 something to remember?
I can’t ever be brave. And I’m not afraid of that. It’s cool. I guess I like that rush.
And this isn’t really anything all that serious, but it sure does feel like it. It sucks so bad and if that means nothing then well and good. But it does to me, so thank you please, very much I shall hold on to my feelings without anyone else telling me what (not) to feel. And I know everyone else does that too, people just try being overtly cool by pretending that life can be lived detached from all beings.
I’m really at a loss of words right now, because everything that I make an attempt to say will go against me. And I’m not even sure why. All I did was like you. And that’s all I even said.
Is that such a bad thing? I thought it was beautiful. But you’re making it out to be a beautiful disaster.
I will always see the best in people. And I will always hope that you come back and at least, speak to me. What else can I do? Literally got you abusing me in front of so many other people, that still doesn’t tell you I care enough to be there?
P.S Entertainment equals an international law class. I guess I just really like being around you and well my heart’s on my sleeve. (I’m not really sure how the two sentences connect, but it’s really funny how .. I lost my train of thought. I’ve been super distracted since Pillai talked about dispute resolution earlier today; if that counts for anything.)
x EdgyShark x
This was just a whole lot of meaningful rambling. I’m surprised I’m so out of my mind. I guess there’s a first time for everything.
(كن فيكون kun fa-yakūnu)
I got hurt. Really hurt. And sometimes when that happens, something inside me just shuts off.
Sometimes, it’s really hard to ponder over what has happened and try and figure out what went wrong. Have you ever wondered, that when you’re truly happy and living in the midst of exciting moments, you seldom stop to think, ‘so what went right?’ But why do we think when things go wrong? What is right and what is wrong?
Wrong’s when someone doesn’t give you the reaction you look for? How ambiguous. (Before I break off into more existentialist thoughts, I’m going to step away from the wheel. Can’t do late night brain killing anymore.)
I’m just going to BE. And i’m going to be for myself. I’m my own muse; I don’t need another individual to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do. In any case, when I’m desperate for answers, I’d rather turn to Kafka than to some worthless existence who hasn’t a clue about what he or she may be doing and are just out there throwing useless information away like sales people at a supermarket.
I spent a decent day by myself; I’m trying to be calm. Everyday, at least ten minutes are spent introspecting. I’m beginning to find that a heady mix of praying in all kinds of languages is somehow helping me regain composure. It’s helping me realize I’ll be okay.
Why look for answers within when over thinking only drives you nuts? But how does one even get closure when there are no answers? I’m working on my insecurities.
On another note, I need a fabulous haircut so I can flip and overwhelm. And subsequently find my own posse.
x EdgyShark x
Part of My Things To Do Before I Turn 20 List!
Today I got inked.
It was a pretty scintillating experience, and to begin with, I’d like to let you guys know that it didn’t hurt one bit. I got it done on the nape of my neck, and day before yesterday, my sister got her’s on her collar bone and frankly people who cry during their inking process are probably shamming – if not that then endurance really has different levels for different people.
Anyhow, I’m really happy, because while the artist was working on my skin I realized I’ve come a long way from being scared of needles and screaming like a banshee at EEDF Hospital and scaring Dr. Mal when I was a toddler, to sitting with profound nonchalance as I get a tattoo on my back, and done with my teens.
This was also one of the things I wanted to get done before turning 20, so voila! More posts coming up on the rest of the things I want to accomplish!
x EdgyShark x
P.S Here’s a special shout out to Unnati who not only told me about this super cool artist here, but also stayed with me and darted furtive glances, and refused to make it a big deal while I pretended to clench my teeth. She said it’s a cakewalk and it was. ❤
She fiddled with the knobs on her fancy camera; these days it is quite common to watch people handle digital shots and capture every moment of beauty revering in the world around them. Sitting atop a hillock, the sunset mesmerized the atmosphere around it, everything seemed to revolve around the hues of a rainbow.
The lake meandered below, catching the rays, as she focused with her lens, on a little duck paddling away. A few others sat a little farther, focusing on the sun with their toys, trying to grab a ray of the red before it sank into the water. One of them walked towards her, peered at her screen and exclaimed, “Why that little duck!” Annoyed, she turned away and continued with her brows furiously together. Instantaneously, almost, everyone else followed suit, curious to know why she concentrated so hard on the duck when all they wanted to take shots of the myriad of dying daylight. She got up with haste, walked over to the other side as the duck flapped into oblivion beyond the light fog.
It was a matter of perspective.
There are times when people find something attractive and appealing and that is the destination they finally seek; however, they fail to look at other options which just might run them by; and in doing so, they often try to convince others in changing their views about life and sticking to what they feel is beneficial for a next-to-utopian lifestyle.
But why change oneself? Who decided what was right, and what not so right?
Thoughts are for sharing, not imposing. When an individual goes to another and says, “change your attitude!” it’s because he is not able to adjust to another thought process, and not because the other person is ‘wrong’. Everyone has the freedom to focus on the perspective they like, to broaden their horizons as they wish to.
So what needs to change? The concept of change itself.
People need to understand that even though change might be for the greater good, it is a reflex that takes place according to a person’s desires. Why should I change into behaving like someone if they don’t take the pain to be like me? Why should I change my thinking and adopt someone else’s just because they think it is the ‘better’ path to tread upon?
Not saying don’t adopt new thinking, simply stating accept and think for yourself. Do you want to start believing in something more? Go for it.
“Every moment, the cells in your body are shifting, you are looking at newer things within the perimeter of your vision; people are born, people are dying, things are in a constant state of flux. You are a newer you every second of your life. From the moment that you began to read this, to now, there is something else going on in your mind, something new has been fed into the memory of your periphery. The world is moving, rotating, revolving.”
E v e r y t h i n g i s c h a n g i n g.
The difference lies in a thirst; the thirst to change, the power of which rests upon your shoulders. Don’t walk up to someone and tell them to change the way they think. Instead, understand why they think the way they think and ask yourself if you would want to change something within yourself and adopt that other perspective or mesh it with your own thoughts.
Don’t walk up to a child and ask him to stop jumping around and being hyperactive; it only irritates you because you have lost the will to act child like any more. Who gave you the right to ask someone to lose their zest just because you lost yours? We need less grouch and more excitement.
Be who you are and if someone likes it, they will pick it up. Change the idea of change … (at your own discretion, of course!)
Don’t change yourself to suit the world, because the world won’t change to suit you.
x EdgyShark x
This post was written for Indiblogger ‘Time To Change!’. Click here to know more.
‘Nuff said. God is nothing but an unidentified flying object, floating somewhere in the almost irrevocable piece of the unknown above. (Or below, however you’d like to see it.)
Just a thought that occurred to me with some Coldplay skipping.
x EdgyShark x
If you love someone, set them free.
If they come back, set them on fire.
x EdgyShark x
Green is not a colour that suits me. Better late than never, right? :]
x EdgyShark x
I haven’t written in the longest time, not because of a lack of things to write about, but because of all the madness that has been persisting in the environment around me. I’ve had the time of my life in the last few weeks. Pertaining to the above mentioned title, and otherwise 😉
My birthday couldn’t have gotten any better than what it was. And I feel lucky, and I feel like the only eighteen year old to have ever had such a grand time. Not a lame club dance that lasted for a few hours, not some pseudo drinking getting high, no new gadgets as presents to scream and show off.
But a wonderful week away to a city, from the people I love, to the people I love. And there, I met MJ. As well as her Indian counterpart, locked away in the confines of a very familiar and sexy Beatles case 😀
Winter wonderland, truly. And I can rightly say, I started the year with a bang-bang-pow 😀 And it can only keep getting better. After all, it’s your perception of how things should be. If you’re unhappy, you make everything around you seem that way. So keep your head cool, that’s probably why the calendar year starts in the snow.
And otherwise, every year is a new year anyway.
x EdgyShark x