Blog Archives

Bee In The Bonnet

Is it just me or is the entire world going through the same exact things as I am? And if we all just let each other know, wouldn’t we feel a little more reassured? Perhaps, it’s just me.

The other day, on a local back home, I was happy. I had a great day that I spent with my best friend. He’d said to me the three words that would light up anyone’s day, he said “Yaayy Yayy YAYY!” I couldn’t wipe the silly grin off of my face and was so oblivious to the world that I almost failed to notice this young lady sitting opposite just glaring out the window frame.

The music kept dancing through my ears and my fingers kept trying to kill time by working mindless apps on my phone but then I finally looked up to see that the world wasn’t at glee with me. That young lady suddenly burst into a fit of emotion and tears streamed down her face. I looked away because I didn’t want to seem nosy.

The train stopped at another station; people walked in, people flowed out. The woman buried her face deep into her palms.

Mystified, I returned to my cellphone screen and thought to myself. How many times have I felt defeated enough to let myself break down on the local to and fro home? I remembered that one day work was so bad and I kept rethinking my decision about studying law and working at a firm and how I cried because I felt stuck. I thought of the times I’d cried out of helplessness even, blaming family on (now what feels like were) insignificant things. I looked up again; the lady was trying her best to hide herself and people around her, although squished into the aisle, seemed absolutely nonchalant. And why wouldn’t they?

That’s when the epiphany arose. Everyone’s got a tough life and we’re selfish enough to think we’re going through the worst.

I fished into my bag for a pack of tissues. There were two left in the pack. ‘Heck,’ I told myself, ‘she needs them more than I do.’ And at least on that day she did.

I offered her the tissues with a smile and mouthed ‘It’s okay,’ and I can bet she was a tad gratified because someone understood, if not what she was going through, then the fact that she was going through something.

Before she could say anything, I got up and went and stood next to the door for my stop. The upbeat music still played through my ears. And then, I was happy. Not because of how my day had unfolded out, but because how this little moment had warped itself into my day.

I was happy that I offered someone the path to a smile.

I was also happy to know that you are the most attractive version of yourself when you’re smiling and the happiness comes from within. Because if it doesn’t, you can’t spread it. So maybe that assuring factor comes from within too. It’s tough, and I’m still practicing, but totally worth it!

Spread the cheer. Make someone smile today! 🙂

x EdgyShark x

Marooned on a Bronze Island

“Im going to defame this bloody place down.”

I have really managed to put my anxiety attacks under control, on another, albeit related, note.

The college authorities have really flown off the handle (this time?) Just witnessed an entire gathering of festive enthusiasts get suspended for conforming with tradition. It’s that colourful time of the year again on the Hindu calendar and well, you can’t really blame people for spreading a little cheer in this ridiculously poop coloured institution.

All my gratitude to your sorry stymied behinds for having shut down the library and the cyber zone for four whole days. It is because of you that I am having to endure Rebecca Black’s Friday just because TGIF. There’s no weekend, there is only focus to look forward to.

[If it’s not enough torture already, they just published the end term schedule and it’s gazumping with our brains on the loop. Seems like it was just a tad difficult to not be ruthless and/or fiendish and inform us that the semester would be ending a couple days earlier. My fairy godmother’s going to fly me back on her magic carpet. Of course that can be preponed, without a hitch.]

Nonetheless, we are SO getting through and spending this much deserved extended weekend towards the later half of this year all across on the other side of this Brobdingnagian globe. Hi-five partner, je t’aime!

I’m sorry for trying to bring you down and I really mean that I’m not going to get all hot and cold and naive and collusive because I understand, as much as the contrary may seem to persist, that you’re only a child too. We all are. And you’re only trying to keep your boat afloat.

Can I just stick a flag on your sail though? Pretty please 🙂 I love the water right now too. Let’s dip our feet down and let dolphins swerve and meander around our ankles!

I’m telling you, the day we get out of this place, we’ve survived, I’m going to sing ‘We are the Champions’ butt naked on the roof.

x EdgyShark x

P.S I still need my degree, which is probably going to be provisional for a couple years after I pass out, so don’t take that above mentioned dare as a contractual obligation on my part. I’m all for a nude jig, dancing to Queen but I don’t think R@wr-town’s ready for me yet.

Hold On We’re Home!

SCRRRRRRRRRRRRATCH THAAAT! (the last post —-> below)

OMG it just struck me like a bolt of lightning; HAPPINESS IS EVERYTHING!

You know all the crap that my negative mind spewed out earlier? It was just on its dramatic best.

It’s beautiful to have goals and dreams and you know what’s even better?

To watch all that come true.

Heck I just wiped off tears of joy from my face even *thinking* about the day that my mental-moment-movies come true! I can totally picture it, (No, I’m not going to give you the benefit of knowing *snide countenance*) :D

It’s just the best feeling ever.. imagine what it’d be like to even have all that actually unravel later in life!

THAT’S THE POINT!

OUI! OUI! You’re not better alone, you’re only you when you’re surrounded by the people that love you and you have that love in your heart that fills you up, and it’s for them that you wake up every morning and rock the world like a total star!

x EdgyShark x

Esse Est Percipi

There are days when I feel the pain that the world talks about so openly; days when someone else has so much power over me that I’m exposed and so vulnerable that I don’t even mind being tugged at like a puppet. Because of that thrust of trust into someone else’s hands. (Why would I do that? Well, that’s really how much I care.)

Why does everything have to be so diffused and scattered? I feel like my unconscious mind is playing a dirty trick on me – something so surreptitious that it’s conniving against me with utmost hatred for no reason at all – at least no reason I can easily fathom. I guess that’s what it means to be purely evil. Does that make me an evil person?

I’m not even sure as to how to answer that question. What context are we traversing upon? Moreover, how can such heartache even be possible? Of course its a freaking conspiracy as soon as all of this turmoil is heightened with period pain. And I thought I had no threshold? Today’s the 11th of April and it’s only 10:53 AM.

Aren’t prayers known to solve things? Or even bring some rain to a drought ridden zone? I’m praying so hard, it’s like hypocrisy on my fundamentalism.

It’s ironic how you mean something you say and then you go beat the shit out of that with a skillet and say something that makes someone else burn like a furnace. Life goes on and gets heavy. People move the shit on even when something as important as their parents are no more. But that doesn’t mean the pain isn’t there? It’s not about getting on with life; eventually, quite obviously, everyone does that.

I’d trade anything for a wish right about now, if for nothing, then to just turn back time and fix whatever it is that I did and let you know how much you mean. That’s always been your fear isn’t it? You left me hanging there on the boat alone. I didn’t say anything.  Doesn’t that count for anything? That there’s always hope? And everything makes sense, you’ve just got to open your eyes and see it! (I’m just looking at everything. Please don’t yell. It freaks me out when someone gets mad at me. But I still stood ground and listened to everything. And watched you lift a finger.)

I have excellent reason to hate the entire male populace – beyond anything anyone else has experienced. But we can’t let these things get in our way, can we? You’ve no clue about 20 years too, but then how about we make the next 20 something to remember?

I can’t ever be brave. And I’m not afraid of that. It’s cool. I guess I like that rush.

And this isn’t really anything all that serious, but it sure does feel like it. It sucks so bad and if that means nothing then well and good. But it does to me, so thank you please, very much I shall hold on to my feelings without anyone else telling me what (not) to feel. And I know everyone else does that too, people just try being overtly cool by pretending that life can be lived detached from all beings.

I’m really at a loss of words right now, because everything that I make an attempt to say will go against me. And I’m not even sure why. All I did was like you. And that’s all I even said.

Is that such a bad thing? I thought it was beautiful. But you’re making it out to be a beautiful disaster.

I will always see the best in people. And I will always hope that you come back and at least, speak to me. What else can I do? Literally got you abusing me in front of so many other people, that still doesn’t tell you I care enough to be there?

P.S Entertainment equals an international law class. I guess I just really like being around you and well my heart’s on my sleeve. (I’m not really sure how the two sentences connect, but it’s really funny how .. I lost my train of thought. I’ve been super distracted since Pillai talked about dispute resolution earlier today; if that counts for anything.)

x EdgyShark x

This was just a whole lot of meaningful rambling. I’m surprised I’m so out of my mind. I guess there’s a first time for everything.

Good Life

(كن فيكون kun fa-yakūnu)

I got hurt. Really hurt. And sometimes when that happens, something inside me just shuts off.

Sometimes, it’s really hard to ponder over what has happened and try and figure out what went wrong. Have you ever wondered, that when you’re truly happy and living in the midst of exciting moments, you seldom stop to think, ‘so what went right?’ But why do we think when things go wrong? What is right and what is wrong?

Wrong’s when someone doesn’t give you the reaction you look for? How ambiguous. (Before I break off into more existentialist thoughts, I’m going to step away from the wheel. Can’t do late night brain killing anymore.)

I’m just going to BE. And i’m going to be for myself. I’m my own muse; I don’t need another individual to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do. In any case, when I’m desperate for answers, I’d rather turn to Kafka than to some worthless existence who hasn’t a clue about what he or she may be doing and are just out there throwing useless information away like sales people at a supermarket.

I spent a decent day by myself; I’m trying to be calm. Everyday, at least ten minutes are spent introspecting. I’m beginning to find that a heady mix of praying in all kinds of languages is somehow helping me regain composure. It’s helping me realize I’ll be okay.

Why look for answers within when over thinking only drives you nuts? But how does one even get closure when there are no answers? I’m working on my insecurities.

On another note, I need a fabulous haircut so I can flip and overwhelm. And subsequently find my own posse.

x EdgyShark x

Don’t Lose The Love

I am just extremely saddened by the negative energy that has been swooping past anyone and everyone, in the last few days. People just need to get a grip on themselves and RELAX. Paranoia never helped anyone and neither did screaming and getting frustrated for no reason, so just because you’re down in the dell doesn’t mean you have to pull others in there too.

This last year has been quite eventful for me personally, because I’ve done a lot and traveled far more than anyone else. I don’t care enough to divulge my memories and the shit that I’ve done because as of this moment, I’m alive and kicking, so there’s really no point pondering over what happened, what broke me or what fixed me. Because whatever happens, happens for the best.

I’m sick of devoting my psychological trips to understanding how other people would react or feel about what I’m doing, because honestly, if there’s anything I’ve realized, it’s that other people don’t feel this way. Why should I give a flying saucer about what I do if it’s not even meant to affect anyone and if others do not spend time thinking how I’d react to something they did.

Just do whatever the fuck you want and feel good about yourself because there’s really nothing else left to each passing day. I’m sick of people asking me where I am and what I’m doing and I should make a plan. I don’t want to meet anybody unless they want to meet me because it’s not really some sort of favour I’m doing by letting people know stuff that doesn’t even bother them at the end of the day.

I don’t care whether or not this revelation is going to cost me a social scenario because please let’s just calm down and look at the situation this way; how many people really bother to find out how you are, and I don’t mean just a hello on the phone. I’ve been bleeding senseless for the last ten days and almost had alien objects operated off my body and been stressed out by random doctors saying random nonsense and having some of the worst moments back in my college semester what with trying to keep up with making people happy and dealing with their immaturity.

So really, I’ve had my share of nonsense too, but I like to be positive and happy about it. Because even though the bad stuff is all I remember and it assists my migraines in popping out every now and then, I still remember how happy I felt looking at the open sky and stars and listening to Karthik and Kazim screaming Star Wars dialogues and pretending to be Jedis. Even though moments before that trip, I was worried about other people’s emotions, completely undermining my own.

I’m done with the drama and I’m happily living each day with subconscious sobriety. And in order to probe into your subconscious, you need help. Please do that research on your own, because I am not a therapist.

Please do contact me in case you’re looking for a mutually beneficial good time. Because after all, I’m just another individual looking in hopeless corners for happiness. And honestly, there are VERY few people in this world who have been able to inculcate those powers within themselves.

To all those who have stuck by me through thick and thin and will hopefully remember my birthday enough to put through a call (because I’m getting charged on roaming too, so let’s see who’s gonna be selfish) I salute you and it feels extremely warm in some corner of me, to be your true friend. And that list isn’t really a lot, and I’m glad it’s that way.

x EdgyShark x

P.S If you’re not happy with where you are then change it because you’re not a freaking tree.

Vive Le Chuck!

I had a mini cardiac arrest five minutes ago as soon as Lily’s eyes began watering when Serena asked about Chuck.  If he dies, a little part of me dies too.

I cannot stop crying inside. Chuck, you’ve saved my life a million times. It was you that consoled me when that horrible sh*t went down back in 2009.

I think my pulse just stopped. And my face is white.

Please don’t die 😥

Please stay strong 😥 😥

 

x EdgyShark x

It’s Called A Revival

I understand that to most of you it might have seemed as if I’d have evaporated off the top of the stratosphere because I’ve been missing in (shark) action for the last six months of this year. But yeah, a lot’s been going on and it has come to my notice that since a lot of you have written to me asking me to begin blogging again, I found that this entire exercise does provide me with a moment of solace during the course of the day.

Furthermore, Jazz was bought for this reason. 😀

So hello children.

It’s been a roller coaster ride, the last half year since April 4th. I attained independence on the 4th of July (very ironic, I know!) as I moved to a small town, let’s just call it RAWR-town, and I’ve done a lot of shit since then. For obvious reasons the same cannot be posted for fear of causing reasonable apprehension in the minds of people, also known in tort terms as assault.

Grades are good, life is good. My social calendar is like a bad man’s karma, keeps coming back to slap me on my face. I guess that’s what the latent definition of college is anyway.

At this point, this post is a shout out to let you know my Jaws are back in full form and that despite the crazed abdomen pains that I have been suffering from for the last few weeks, I will be here, writing. Because obviously, since I can’t move around and do much, I might as well wave my fins in and around this sphere.

So long. No more waits. And there’s a lot more in store.

x EdgyShark x

P.S. To my stalker, I don’t give a damn about you anymore, but if I figure that you’re stealing anything that belongs to me intellectually, then you’re doomed. And I mean it. My IPR course wasn’t randomly for 8 credits gone down the drain. So beware. And it’s called a second chance not a twenty-second chance.

Bleeding Blue!

There’s so much positivity in India today!!

Apparently, there are a billion people in this country who would, if not for passing a law or attaining some kind of justice, happily bleed all their blood away to watch the cricket team bring home the World Cup.

What is it about this crazy sport that binds every Indian to the core and helps them meet eye to eye? Cricket surpasses everything in this country, even the things that otherwise boil the blood of every man living here and make him go violent; religion, competition, politics, survival – you name it and cricket any day weighs heavier on the scale.

It’s crazy, the spirit catches on. I’m happy to know that at least there are some things in life that remain common among a person’s roots. And despite people forgetting these values as they grow up, there are some more aesthetic things like cricket that join them back together and transform every Indian into each other’s kin as he was meant to be.

We’re actually bleeding blue for the royal spirit of humanity.

Even if for half a day, it’s amazing how people forget hatred; they forget all kinds of barriers conflicting their hearts that tear them away from each other; they forget about the differences of opinion and just let things be. People bring back their lost smiles.

And that’s what makes me happy.

x EdgyShark x

Freezing On Royal Fire!

Everyone says leaving school is something very hard to do. But for the last four years, I’ve been having this ache to leave those four walls behind and move onto a new college campus and start things afresh. However, when you least expect it, things turn around and hit you right back on the face.

We were given our farewell by the juniors, and a pretty spectacular affair that was! Wound all around by a celluloid theme, it felt pretty awesome to be around such wonderful people. For the last evening, I greeted my teachers and classmates with gusto. As the days near, I feel less pressurized to act in a certain manner and feel more calm and composed with regard to these people all around me. We’ve stuck it (and not stuck it) through thick and thin over the last fourteen years, and it all boiled down to that one evening to remember.

Frozen on Fire

I was called on stage during the finality of it all, and I sang “Leaving on a Jet Plane” with my best voice possible. Somewhere deep inside me, I felt so happy and so elated to be done with this part of my life, but I failed to notice the moment when my voice began quivering a little. I wouldn’t give way, how could I?

I was feeling joy, excitement and sadness through my veins at the same time!

The next bit arrived with even more of a shock as I was crowned the queen of the evening, Miss Birla High! I haven’t felt such stark extreme emotions in the longest time. Shock, happiness and a teeny tiny bit of resentment and sorrow filled inside my little heart. I had been crowned a royal in the arena where I’d never though I’d fit in. And after this point, I’m never really going to be forgotten, or forget the school for all the good times, and bad.

Like fire meets ice, and melts and freezes at the same time; it’s really hard to explain the kind of contradiction that swept over my feelings and took over.

They say the human body’s made of 72% water. I don’t know how much was freezing and how much was on fire at that moment! 😉

x EdgyShark x

You ever felt something so contradictory and wonderful at the same time? Fire n Ice? Post your stories here at http://www.facebook.com/closeupindia and don’t forget to comment below!