Blog Archives

Assistive Touch

I’ve come to realise that all of life is nothing but a projection of your own thoughts. If you’re over the moon, there are flowers blooming even in the heart of winter, and if you’re gloomy as a grey cloud, then all you see is a vile hand being played.

And the funny thing is, no one will ever know what you’re thinking about, or how you’re thinking about something.

I’m a people-pleaser kind of gal, I go out of my way to do things for the people I consider a part of my life. But it dawned on me that maybe people don’t think so. I’ve probably become so skyrocket-y that if I don’t go all out to do something it’s considered lesser than what I can actually do.

I love the feeling of helping someone out when they need me. (More so, when they don’t!) Only because it makes people smile, and as selfish as that may sound, I like knowing I made someone smile. No deed is ever considered selfless anyway.

But then I guess, I wonder why, not many people really remember the things that one does do for them. People tend to remember what you didn’t do; where you faltered in a step and made a blunder. Penny for your thoughts: how many people do you know that actually harbour this negative approach?

I think we should really take it a notch down and applaud people for the things that they do do for us. The times that they make us smile, and the times that they’ve pulled us out, even if for a millisecond, of the dark times. I think we’d all be much happier then, if we thought the best about each other. Everyone tries really hard. Why would I take the pain to make someone miserable when I spend hours trying to do things to make them think of cherry blossoms? I don’t even know how to spell rvengeege. I’m trying to put my finger on the motive aspect here; I personally, don’t have an ill wishing bone in my body. (Unless you’re harming dogs, I’ll kick your shins.)

It’s not anybody’s business, but it’s just so annoying when you sense disappointment from another human being. Like how does someone deal with that? Where do you help someone believe that things didn’t go as planned, deliberately?

We’re all different people, made so very beautifully differently, and I’d hate to put my heart on comparison with that of anyone else’s. Maybe I’m silly, but there’s the one thing I can do that nobody else can.

I try and see the best in people; I mean it’s one way I can take my mind off all the mean thoughts I’d have towards another. Perhaps that’s my thing. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we just put on each other’s shoes once a while and liked each other a little more?

Or am I being stupid with this whole garb of actual raw niceness?

I’m no superman. But I’d still like to be appreciated for the red cape I do make an effort to put on.

x EdgyShark x

Take Me Home

It’s taken me forever to get done with an application form for a coveted internship. It’s brought me to the realization that I really have done nothing with my life.

With every passing question, I began to invisibly develop a sweaty brow and a jittery state of mind, which was quite apparent on my wrist and external self. And all the loathing did no good really, my desire to calm down was overpowered by my stupid brain whacking me on the inside.

I’ve reached that milestone now where being asked what I want has become a thing of the daily. And that haunt came back more alive than ever with that dratted app: where do you see yourself two years and five years from now?

Instead of writing corporate jack like ‘I see myself being indispensable to the needs of a law firm in the financial sector,’ what I really wanted to say was this – that I have no idea in Hades’ hell where I’m going to be because everytime that I do plan on being somewhere, I end up somewhere else altogether. I don’t know if I’ll be working my arse off at some kickass corporate firm or be lying on my bum on some beach. Or be doing both; with money comes the power to sunbathe in Santorini. Now that’s what I ideally want. I want to earn truckloads of money and have the best wedding ever and have the Wedding Filmer come and give me a lifetime of videos to watch and weep at everyday; I want money so I can go lose myself in Tomorrowland; I want to earn so much and buy the best freaking house in the best corner of Bombay and have my parents be so proud of me. I want all that money and splurge beans at luxury stores just because I can. I see myself with so much money that all I do is buy all kinds of croc candies for a super cute baby that I have (now that’s like a pretty long term goal, please don’t be alarmed, there will be no little sharklings in the next five years.)

I see myself as a published author, someone who people admire; I see myself having left a mark.

I want to leave a mark so bad.

This is all so unnerving. I feel so inadequate right now. And that’s when I freaked my guts out and walked out on my application form. But it can’t really go screw itself because I really need that form to be kickass material.

That’s the first step anyway right, to this entire roller coaster?

Why can’t I just sit in a corner and look cute and be petted and everyone just be happy as they are and love and be loved. Oh god it’s time to start understanding market derivatives there is no time for sitting pretty and acting like a total lunatic.

I need to go home and figure out my life. What the hell is this concept of a home anyway? BHAK.

x EdgyShark x

Ohana

Something’s pulling me under; something’s pulling me asunder.

My throat is all clenched up and hyperventilation’s become a thing of the present.

I feel like I’m on fire, and not even in a good way. I honestly have no idea wnbteoig wfs wkngH  I am sick of the words ‘ought and should’ and what not, partly because of my jurisprudence syllabus.

I am just too in deep with emotion and my greatest fear I guess, is that that won’t be valued.

I’m not even sure if that’s okay or not.

JITTER FREAKING BUGS.

WHEN DID I START GETTING ALL NERVOUS? SOMEONE TOSS ME A BANANA PLEASE I READ SOMEWHERE THEY CONTAIN VITAMIN B AND THAT CALMS THE SOUL DOWN.

WHEN DID I START EATING BANANAS AND CONSUMING MILK LIKE A DEPRAVED STRAY CRITTER?

This is really embarrassing but I’m just reminded time and again that I have no knees at all and that you make me go all jelly and wobbly like the Prince of Idaho. Somehow that makes me think about bumblebees and how you cannot stop laughing at how retarded I got that day I was enamored in yellow.

I know that just because it’s not happening now doesn’t mean it never will. (I need to stop letting Pinterest sympathise with me.)

I want to hit myself in the head with a rock. Trust me, if anyone got around to doing that I will welcome it and not hold them liable because I’d rather feel some physical torment light me up for a change so there’s some distraction from within the confines of my cable wires chaotic stupid head.

Oh why WHY GOD WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE HIM SO BEAUTIFUL? Don’t even answer that.

This post is so messed up. I WANT TO GO HOME. WE HOME!

F*&# !

x EdgyShark x

In Need of Elixir

I’m feelin’ electric tonight, cruising down the coast going ’bout 99.

If ONLY.

I’m on fire, I can feel it everywhere, and nothing scares me anymore. Except well, I’m the biggest scared critter there ever roamed the Earth. After maybe Scooby Doo but then again, that’s a cartoon.

Everything’s a mess. I feel like I’m on an island and I never want to leave that island. The moment I touch the water to traverse upon it, it’s going to consume me whole. As long as I’m friendly, the waves understand who I am. As soon as I even so much as think about escaping(? terrible terrible usage of word), there’s going to be a shark that jumps right out and swallows me whole. After probably munching me to pieces like okra.

No incessant tai-chi breathing is going to help this. No amount of music can make this better. Nothing is going to calm me down until I touch base at R@wr-Town and tell myself this is it. At least for the next six months. So what am I so afraid of?

I hate goodbyes. I detest them with every fibre of my being; I loathe saying goodbye to someone I love, something or some place I adore to the last letter. And more than all of that, I hate being the one left. Granted it’s not a sordid goodbye, more a bientot as compared to an indefinite au revoir, yet it irks my soul somewhere. Unless I’m really not looking forward to meeting a face for the rest of my life, and I’m triply sure about the same, I try and keep my ‘byes’ to a minimal greeting.

Coming back to why my fingertips are so jittery and my insides are rattling like a happy baby pram, I don’t think I can do this anymore. I mean I’ve got to and I will eventually, but that’s beside the point.

The point being, I can’t:

a) take anyone yelling profanity at me or even raising their voice or being curt for no reason at all and treating me with absolute disrespect, especially when I know I deserve if not large then at least a miniscule ounce of the same;

b) indulge in all this moving business anymore.

Erhmygawd I cannot go back to rainy Raipur!

I’m not even making sense right now because deep down I want to be left alone, but on the surface, I fear being left alone. Don’t you just hate it when your very being transforms into a paradoxical situation? 😐

I’m just so shaky inside right now it’s like I’m the creaky window pane the rain’s lashing against. I can go on with a world of analogies and make myself sound like a martyr but the truth is also that watching Bhaag Milkha last night also left me feeling rather inadequate about the last twenty years of my life. Once again, that feeling of why the hell was I not thrown into the army or some serious ballet lessons when I was a kid?

I am so emotionally attached to certain things I end up breaking myself over and over again without any external assistance.

I feel so darned stupid right now.

So DARNED STUPID for letting slip my oh SO glorious aortic pump like a plastic raincoat on a rocky waterfall. But then I love doing that, without hoping for a return on any sort of investment. In the office, I’d be considered a complete moron, but inside my insides I guess, I just love to love. And once I begin to love something, damn that’s one lucky thing I’ll be a-lovin’. 🙂

Where the hell was I and where did I just go? I need a birds eye view of the wires in my brain, some petrol and my leg on the accelerator.

*Sigh* IF only. Okay, so please don’t raise your voice, weapons that may be cups of Starbucks frappuccinos are cool. Voice is not. Bring on over some hot chocolate and cupcakes now.

x EdgyShark x

Good Life

(كن فيكون kun fa-yakūnu)

I got hurt. Really hurt. And sometimes when that happens, something inside me just shuts off.

Sometimes, it’s really hard to ponder over what has happened and try and figure out what went wrong. Have you ever wondered, that when you’re truly happy and living in the midst of exciting moments, you seldom stop to think, ‘so what went right?’ But why do we think when things go wrong? What is right and what is wrong?

Wrong’s when someone doesn’t give you the reaction you look for? How ambiguous. (Before I break off into more existentialist thoughts, I’m going to step away from the wheel. Can’t do late night brain killing anymore.)

I’m just going to BE. And i’m going to be for myself. I’m my own muse; I don’t need another individual to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do. In any case, when I’m desperate for answers, I’d rather turn to Kafka than to some worthless existence who hasn’t a clue about what he or she may be doing and are just out there throwing useless information away like sales people at a supermarket.

I spent a decent day by myself; I’m trying to be calm. Everyday, at least ten minutes are spent introspecting. I’m beginning to find that a heady mix of praying in all kinds of languages is somehow helping me regain composure. It’s helping me realize I’ll be okay.

Why look for answers within when over thinking only drives you nuts? But how does one even get closure when there are no answers? I’m working on my insecurities.

On another note, I need a fabulous haircut so I can flip and overwhelm. And subsequently find my own posse.

x EdgyShark x

Flyin’ High

I love airplanes. I think they’re one of man’s greatest inventions. Actually, I like the whole feel of being even close to an airport. The drive to the airport’s always fun, the entire atmosphere of an airport is so exciting, it gives me a sugar rush. Sometimes, when inside a craft, I wish I just stay there high in the air and keep enjoying the music on my laptop without any interference. (Except, I’ve never been on those crazy trans-continental flights, so I think I should stop wishing to be stuck in mid air!)

But then, I love it when people arrive, or I go somewhere else. And wander.

Have a happy touchdown.

x EdgyShark x

Trumping The Positive

You can only hope that the world you’re living in, is something that you’re actually living. What if everything around you is nothing but a projection of your own subconscious? What if everything that you’re actually living, turns out to be a lie?

But you wouldn’t know, would you? Because it’s the power of the mind, you’re very own subconscious that’s feeding these thoughts into you like a parasite. You can’t resist it, and on another level you do not even want to resist it. It’s playing a trick on you, something for which you might have to pay a very high price for later.

But you can’t stop what it’s doing to you, because on another level, you want it to continue. Because after all, it is but you’re mind and your thoughts that are causing it to do whatever it is that it is doing, thinking about.

Where does reality begin? Is it where the artificial world ends?

Everything is what you think it to be. Projections of your own subconscious, something that is beyond the control of your grasp when you’re awake, but perfectly in tandem with your emotions when you’re in a state of dormancy. It’s ironic, isn’t it? How you’re able to control something better when you’re not doing anything?

At least you think you’re not doing anything, but is that the truth? Who knows what’s happening when your eyes are shut to the world. The world you think you live in.

You think.

But you don’t know for sure.

Every single time a positive emotion takes over your mind, it is bound to take place in reality unless it becomes ill equipped with bouts of negativity. There is no one capable of making you think out what could be even if it is not what is meant to be. What has to happen, will happen. But isn’t that something that you can control?

Water will flow, the sun will shine. Those aren’t things that you can take care of, but are things that could be present in your world. What if I told you there is nothing of that sort in my world? My world where things happen how I want them to.

My world, where whatever I wish takes place. Things I do not even know I wish for, happen. Because even if it is my existence, your existence, you’re thinking about that each and every projection and how it goes about it’s daily routine.

And at the end of the day, when you come back and lie down on your pillow, it’s the time when you don’t think about a single figment of your mind, but what it is that affects you and how it is that affects you. Melts you down, makes you stronger, stranger.

And at that moment, everything seems real, until you fall into a state of bliss again. Not knowing what is going to happen next, or what might have been had you not fallen prey to your own self.

Your greatest enemy, your best friend.

The only thing that you shoudl treat like God, yet you invite foreign particles into your thinking and slowly, with time, fool yourself into believing that you are not the sole entity of your own existence.

It is then that you invite trouble. In order to take the lime light off yourself and not be the center of attention. Gradually and eventually, you begin to treat yourself as the enemy and forget where you commenced. You forget that even though you might not be the most vital aspect of the universe, but you are the single most important thing of your own existence.

And that is all that matters, because who is to say that the others around you are not real but are actually your imagination?

But you will never know that, even when at the last moment, it all comes scathing in a rush to tell you that it’s your last chance to survive in the game.

x EdgyShark x

Mad Heart, Be Brave

You can rip open

My skin and bones and view

The Brave Heart that lies underneath and courage; old and new

You might be, It does not matter

to me what you think because I know what lies in there,

I am, after all, made of it and nothing else, shall deter

me from feeling what I want to unless it is you;

Because you are something I respect, admire and love,

And it is you who I will never be able to turn face

From. Scare me, make me worthy and entitled for the

Red that lies within your insanity; Treat

Me like a ballast, your race track so true and I

Will balance, and I will affirm to the commitment I have created

As you heard my weak heart, and made it mad

With pride,

Like a series of chicanes accredits you to

Feint and collide, So you will too,

With the weak heart inside, no longer strangely

Vague and without reason; Because it has the will

To change on the pole, At mid-day, or night, whenever you will it;

Because the will you protect inside protests not for yourself but

For mine.

x EdgyShark x

Too Little Time, Too Much Drama

I feel like I’m running against time again, and guess what? It’s these times that are the most fun! I’m leaving for vacation in two days, and there’s just so much to be bought and so much else to be done. I can’t believe I’m finally going to be leaving for a good three weeks of fun and a crazy long extended weekend.

Jinx and I’ve promised to do all kinds of crap this time, meet all kinds of random people, which include all our “friends” that live there on the facebook friend list, go crazy shopping, and explore all kinds of new places on our own. Okay, the last part is just me, but then I’m sure I’ll make the others do it with me too 🙂 I can’t wait to sit by the beautiful sunrise yet again at PDP, hike down different roads and meet different people. Experiment with newer things and have some good, pure, fun.

And something tells me that this trip to Mumbai is going to be the best yet 😀

All that, and the drama too.

x EdgyShark x

Merci Beaucoup!

YR! My heartiest thanks to you! Although that might sound a little too formal and everything, you have no idea HOW happy you’ve made me with all the news from yesterday! What you did was the most amazing thing anyone’s done for me in a long, long time. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Also, the best deed ever done in all of 2010 😀

Like I said, I don’t forget these little little things, so you’re in my awesome list now, and you’ll receive the eternal-grateful-thank-you-type-priority-dealing with! Because otherwise I would have just been nice to you, as you are so nice yourself 🙂

*HAPPY-NESS!*

x EdgyShark x