Category Archives: Existence

All about, the living and the existing.

The Day of Brutus

Lately, superstition has been catching up like swine flu. And for good reason.

I mark last night into one of the hardest days of my life portfolio.

Why do we complicate things?

Why is it so hard to just understand each other?

 

I have lost my train of thought and I hope that you are all well and have had a wonderful time reading this last half of a decade that I have been writing. This is my last post here, for personal reasons. Apparently I’m silly like dirt outside of these pages. Until I sort myself out, I hope that I have inspired at least someone out there and that my attempts at growth and evolution kept you strung along for the ride. I don’t know if we’ve reached our destination, but this sure as hell feels like a road block.

Yes, I’m dramatic. But try putting on my shoes and that’s exactly how you’ll feel. At least I’m not afraid to think out loud.

Keep calm.

x EdgyShark x

Dropping It Like Its Hot

HELLO THERE PEOPLE OF THE WORLD!

Just a little reminder that I’m a person with a certain hold on life just like the rest of you.

And if anybody has an issue with that, take it up with me. Not with an assumption about me.

Excuse me while I go hit my face on the wall now.

x EdgyShark x

Assistive Touch

I’ve come to realise that all of life is nothing but a projection of your own thoughts. If you’re over the moon, there are flowers blooming even in the heart of winter, and if you’re gloomy as a grey cloud, then all you see is a vile hand being played.

And the funny thing is, no one will ever know what you’re thinking about, or how you’re thinking about something.

I’m a people-pleaser kind of gal, I go out of my way to do things for the people I consider a part of my life. But it dawned on me that maybe people don’t think so. I’ve probably become so skyrocket-y that if I don’t go all out to do something it’s considered lesser than what I can actually do.

I love the feeling of helping someone out when they need me. (More so, when they don’t!) Only because it makes people smile, and as selfish as that may sound, I like knowing I made someone smile. No deed is ever considered selfless anyway.

But then I guess, I wonder why, not many people really remember the things that one does do for them. People tend to remember what you didn’t do; where you faltered in a step and made a blunder. Penny for your thoughts: how many people do you know that actually harbour this negative approach?

I think we should really take it a notch down and applaud people for the things that they do do for us. The times that they make us smile, and the times that they’ve pulled us out, even if for a millisecond, of the dark times. I think we’d all be much happier then, if we thought the best about each other. Everyone tries really hard. Why would I take the pain to make someone miserable when I spend hours trying to do things to make them think of cherry blossoms? I don’t even know how to spell rvengeege. I’m trying to put my finger on the motive aspect here; I personally, don’t have an ill wishing bone in my body. (Unless you’re harming dogs, I’ll kick your shins.)

It’s not anybody’s business, but it’s just so annoying when you sense disappointment from another human being. Like how does someone deal with that? Where do you help someone believe that things didn’t go as planned, deliberately?

We’re all different people, made so very beautifully differently, and I’d hate to put my heart on comparison with that of anyone else’s. Maybe I’m silly, but there’s the one thing I can do that nobody else can.

I try and see the best in people; I mean it’s one way I can take my mind off all the mean thoughts I’d have towards another. Perhaps that’s my thing. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we just put on each other’s shoes once a while and liked each other a little more?

Or am I being stupid with this whole garb of actual raw niceness?

I’m no superman. But I’d still like to be appreciated for the red cape I do make an effort to put on.

x EdgyShark x

In Chaos and in Swirls

Remember that there are days full of joy you haven’t even imagined yet. Days full of pain worse than what you’re going through now.

Days of ecstasy and days of numbness.

Today is the oldest you’ve ever been and the most you’ve ever experienced but you must keep the glass half empty for the possibility of a better day.

There’s always a better day around the corner if your eyes are open to see it; if your senses are open to feeling it.

x EdgyShark x

Eight Semesters A Beanstalk

I figured this gave me solace back then, might as well give me some now. (This-venting)

Sure I can vent out in front of people and animals and babies (all tried and experimented, terribly tanked options) but it’s not the same because you just don’t trust someone can actually understand what you’re going through.

I study in a bullshit university surrounded by absolutely bullshit people and as of today, and all that’s happened to me and gone wrong because of this place, I am done. Done with hiding behind a closet of fear and not opening my mouth to say what I want.

Yes the faculty is crap and they convert the subjects into crap. Even information disseminated from morning news on the seventh insignificant page of a vernacular daily that only street food gourmets use to serve their delicacies on is more useful than what we’re ‘taught’ here.

I’m not going to take names, because OMG, despite my newfound supermanliness the physical tenets that this institution is built on might just, wait for it, crap their pants.

I’m going to tell my kids one day, I was such a bad-ass back in college, I actually went to study where goons thrive. A little person like me, with a humble background and hardworking parents are what people like this institution target.

A person like me who’s diligent, trying to get grades through and get on with the rest of my life and my friends are what this environment targets. No offence to the kids in the third world, but if this is what education looks like, they’re really better off illiterate.

And if this is what people look like, I’m so much better off alone.

And that’s the irony. Somewhere between this isolated choice and the few pillars of support that might be standing around, I tend to crumble.

Can’t wait to fast forward my life three semesters from now.

x EdgyShark x

Forgiveness is a Four Letter Word

The difference between once and never is everything.

– Inspired by Locke. My gratitude, Jay. 

Making a mistake is what us humans were born to do. But precaution aside, every mistake binds us deeper into this labyrinth of suffering in which we choose to warp ourselves, with those who provide us with love, shelter, light and even darkness; with those that show us the path unto ourselves, and those that tend to tangle us farther into this thing called an emotion.

We reflect all that we are emotive of; all that is within. Sometimes, this pressure to be and to do leads us to an opening offered, an easy disguise that seems like a plausible getaway; even if for a few moments. How then is it wrong to a fewer times run amok if it leads us ultimately into the right turn?

Mistakes can either help you reform or push you deeper away from your soul. Is it okay then to make a mistake even if it affects not only you but all those around you too? Are you just cheating yourself, your conscience, or even those of your loved ones, those who find their emotions reflective in you? But doesn’t it make sense to make a mistake at your own behest and then face the consequences? Why is it that your mistake leaves several others at the hands of your repercussions?

Only delving further into the labyrinth will tell.

x EdgyShark x

Parched Land

I think we’re all a little lost without each other.

All of us need those few people that help us get through the day. I wouldn’t say that things fall apart without them, that would be a tad dramatic, but then things just don’t feel right.

But I guess it’s up to us to make things feel right no matter where we are because those who matter are right there in those dangerously bite sized aortic pumps we carry.

And maybe sometimes it’s important to know that you can get through the most adverse of days by your very own self.

And while you’re doing that, those who you wanted will anyhow be propitious on the byline.

x Edgyshark x

Marooned on a Bronze Island

“Im going to defame this bloody place down.”

I have really managed to put my anxiety attacks under control, on another, albeit related, note.

The college authorities have really flown off the handle (this time?) Just witnessed an entire gathering of festive enthusiasts get suspended for conforming with tradition. It’s that colourful time of the year again on the Hindu calendar and well, you can’t really blame people for spreading a little cheer in this ridiculously poop coloured institution.

All my gratitude to your sorry stymied behinds for having shut down the library and the cyber zone for four whole days. It is because of you that I am having to endure Rebecca Black’s Friday just because TGIF. There’s no weekend, there is only focus to look forward to.

[If it’s not enough torture already, they just published the end term schedule and it’s gazumping with our brains on the loop. Seems like it was just a tad difficult to not be ruthless and/or fiendish and inform us that the semester would be ending a couple days earlier. My fairy godmother’s going to fly me back on her magic carpet. Of course that can be preponed, without a hitch.]

Nonetheless, we are SO getting through and spending this much deserved extended weekend towards the later half of this year all across on the other side of this Brobdingnagian globe. Hi-five partner, je t’aime!

I’m sorry for trying to bring you down and I really mean that I’m not going to get all hot and cold and naive and collusive because I understand, as much as the contrary may seem to persist, that you’re only a child too. We all are. And you’re only trying to keep your boat afloat.

Can I just stick a flag on your sail though? Pretty please 🙂 I love the water right now too. Let’s dip our feet down and let dolphins swerve and meander around our ankles!

I’m telling you, the day we get out of this place, we’ve survived, I’m going to sing ‘We are the Champions’ butt naked on the roof.

x EdgyShark x

P.S I still need my degree, which is probably going to be provisional for a couple years after I pass out, so don’t take that above mentioned dare as a contractual obligation on my part. I’m all for a nude jig, dancing to Queen but I don’t think R@wr-town’s ready for me yet.

Hold On We’re Home!

SCRRRRRRRRRRRRATCH THAAAT! (the last post —-> below)

OMG it just struck me like a bolt of lightning; HAPPINESS IS EVERYTHING!

You know all the crap that my negative mind spewed out earlier? It was just on its dramatic best.

It’s beautiful to have goals and dreams and you know what’s even better?

To watch all that come true.

Heck I just wiped off tears of joy from my face even *thinking* about the day that my mental-moment-movies come true! I can totally picture it, (No, I’m not going to give you the benefit of knowing *snide countenance*) :D

It’s just the best feeling ever.. imagine what it’d be like to even have all that actually unravel later in life!

THAT’S THE POINT!

OUI! OUI! You’re not better alone, you’re only you when you’re surrounded by the people that love you and you have that love in your heart that fills you up, and it’s for them that you wake up every morning and rock the world like a total star!

x EdgyShark x

God Knows, We’re Worth It

January’s over. I’m still sitting around in my pajamas, desperately soaking whatever sun reaches me under my lilac-and-yellow-girls-grinning-comforter. My chip obsession is back and god knows my body doesn’t really understand the whole emulsifiers aren’t good for you or whatever that’s supposed to be. Healthy is out, self-destruct is in. 

Discipline wise, I can sense that I’m raging into a maniac but again, my head doesn’t really seem to understand, or be concerned for that matter. It’s a tad frightening, but I’m getting used to it. 

It’s like a broken clock, an hourglass with the sand stuck on an end. Yet before we know it, it’ll probably be over. (Thank GOD for that?)

Image

But see the problem is that as of today, right this very moment, with all this chill indie music billowing through my small den, I have lost the will to see what might happen tomorrow. I had all these dreams and all these goals and all these happy possible future memories of things and life, and now I’m just thinking, what’s the point?

Sure, I’ll get to all those goals I ticked out on that piece of rotten paper I stuck on my wall for myself to see every morning when I wake up and to remind myself what I’m doing here in this hell hole, but what’ll still be the point of having toiled through something that’s causing me so much torment?

(I was gunning at language like pain and suffering but I decided against it, I guess its just a self projection of what Im feeling inside.)

I used to think I’m depressed and empty and all that. It’s not true, I’ve got lots to do and lots to accomplish, but then again, what’s the point of getting these things done with a sad frown on my ugly face?

I’m feeling pretty stable, but see, that’s the problem, again. I’ve always been this euphoric kid with six balloons and refills of cotton candy wearing my favourite pair of red dungrees. Or like this happy girl sipping slushies cruising in a fast car, gleefully clapping my self-crafted gloved hands thinking to myself, does it get any better than this! 

I don’t even know where she is anymore. I meet her sometimes, but I guess she runs away because of all the possible BLAH plastered on my face. I need a sign. 

Goodness, I’m happy, alright. I just want to get.out.of.this.rollercoaster.ride. I’m not even sure there will be a superlative feeling once I am past the temporary gates they have put up here, I’m not even sure of anything. 

But as of today, it’s too cold. And it’s saturating my senses. And it’s overwhelming and I feel distraught (though stable! yes I have achieved that..) And I’m just trying to please. Nothing I do seems to make anyone or me happy. 

AND HIBERNATING IS = PURE INDIGNATION! 

I have stuff to do now. 

x EdgyShark x