Category Archives: Existence

All about, the living and the existing.

Boy-Ancy

Keeping “afloat” on the quest to understanding the humor behind men, love, and existence – but with a twist of finance!

Someone I work with told me (in relation to the bevy of dates I’ve been undertaking – because during the course of this saga, you’ll realise there have been an abundance of men, dates and linkages to modern day commerce), ‘you’re lucky you have this inherent powerhouse. Why don’t you though use it constructively and productively?’ And so, starts my buoyant quest into the world of finance, economics and well, boys.

What is life, if not a series of pragmatic events taking place? Or at least, a series of pragmatic responses, to situations that occur?

Over the last few years, I’ve understood that I am the kind of person that loves when any kind of logic kicks in.

But sometimes, this logic takes a real backseat.

Of late, my emotional instability has been the driving force of my existence, and distraction has taken over my soul like a work of art. Logic has run amok comme ca an estranged balloon (I’m hoping that balloon transforms into a boomerang) and hyperactive energy has taken over my being with a sense of dominance.

I was in a long long-term relationship, for the longest time; and it was great, caveat, while it was great. But before I get into the intricacies of my saga, I feel the need to give you a little bit of an insight into how I function – I am of the opinion that life should be lived practically, and sadly enough, as human beings, we tend to make a mess out of a circumstance by painting it with unnecessary emotion.

But that’s when I decided, can’t there be a bridge linking this turmoil of emotion to practical life? Since my strengths (and daily job) lie in unearthing the logic out of financial and economic concepts, it hit me – these theories can easily be applied to our personal lives. And no matter how emotional a person, that emotion can easily be countered and mitigated by putting 2 and 2 together!

*Eureka!*

After 4 years of relentlessly trying to prove myself emotionally, albeit quite prematurely, I realized it was time to let go of the rope I was hanging onto so dearly, at the cost of having that rope dig into the crevice of my palm, for fear of falling off the cliff – A classic case of cost benefit analysis. Let me explain.

Cost Benefit Analysis –

  • Analyze decisions;
  • Evaluate potential costs and revenues to achieve a projected outcome;
  • Decide whether said outcome is feasible enough to delve into the project;
  • Make a rationale, a calculated decision on said basis;
  • Pick an alternative and go for it.

Now in a relationship, women, as compared to men, are usually of the more empathetic mindset where they tend lesser to make self-interested decisions. In this regard, even though they may undertake a cost benefit analysis, more often than not, they don’t do it in a singular attempt to maximize value / profit to themselves.

As an investor, if you constantly pumped funds into an entity, nurtured it and watched it grow, as level headed as you may be, an attachment is bound to appear with time. But sometimes, ventures fail, and the faster you realize that the more beneficial it eventually is. There must come a time when you take a step back, freeze your moolah and assess the situation.

Using that analogy, I stopped, straightened out the tangled wires in my head, and whipped out a mental notepad. Splitting the page into two, it took me all of five minutes to conclude that the costs of my 4-year engagement with tryst, were clearly outweighing the benefits, but the fear of having invested heavy amounts of time and energy into that relationship is what was stopping me from taking the risk of pulling the plug on it.

And so, I did.

I took that leap of faith and understood that bigger, better things are to come my way, and life has opened doors to exciting new possibilities. My mum once told me, ‘sometimes you gotta let go of the old so that something new can come in’. Even though this was with reference to my beloved copy of Roald Dahl’s Matilda, it was, and has been, damn good advice.

From concepts like wilful defaulting to the renowned Prospect Theory – why not use that logic and make sense of life?

Now imagine if people gave out offer documents, representing themselves to the public eye, enabling others to make informed decisions and choices based on getting to know them better?

Don’t we though?

The new thing I have been engaging in, has been putting myself out there. Allow me to elaborate.

The world has become a pretty digitized space, and if you’re not in it, well, you’re not in it. A while ago, my cousin moved to the States, and her life took a different turn the day she downloaded a bunch of dating applications. (At least in my eyes, it did.) Since I was flying an emotionally turbulent charter plane with my then-boyfriend then, I had a completely different opinion on said applications as compared to now, when I’m beginning to see ‘what makes business sense’.

Back then, I thought Bumble was for creeps and Tinder was for hooking up – something I wouldn’t ever consider, having honed a traditionalist way of thinking about monogamy.  I thought dating applications were used by the downtrodden, who wanted to simply lose themselves in the moment, have a few drinks at a bar, while away their time in a flurry of excitement, with no permanence for tomorrow.

However, a few weeks ago, the new me allowed my thoughts and straitjacket opinions to liberate themselves and adopt a more fluid way of thinking, and my fingers took no time to hit the app store. Let’s get Bumble-ing, I thought.

Not to freely advertise, but the way this interface is designed is pretty addictive. It took me barely any time to put together a profile (after of course 27 minutes of obsessing over the fact that I didn’t have a decent photograph of myself in my photo gallery – unless the first impression I wanted to give the new world was of a carefree me with half-eaten lettuce dripping in mayonnaise falling ever so gracefully out of my mouth at a burger joint in New York City). So, what’s a decent picture to put up? I mean in all honesty, I spill my food on myself 9 times out of 10 when I’m eating – not in a gross way but like a few strands of rice here and a little sauce maybe there. But I’m supposed to hide that honesty until perhaps the twenty second date, I’ve been told. Apparently, that’s not the kind of thing that attracts someone.

I flipped through the gallery, what picture’s next? I thought. Maybe some memories from all the partying I did in Bali earlier this year. But definitely not something that shows too much skin, I mean I’m here to meet new people, and explore the possibility of even talking to them, not give them the wrong idea! That rules out everything from the beach – this is still India we’re talking about. Also, striking out pictures that have a monument in the backdrop, I mean, how shady does that look? You’re showing off the Eiffel tower? Boy, I can see that tower on google whenever I want. Heck, I can take a flight to France tomorrow if I wanted to.

What then defines a great picture? I have the answer to that.

A picture where you’re wearing a great smile – the kind that’s so powerful that it blurs out the background. Doesn’t matter if you’re leaning by the Westminster or melting under the tropical sun, that is an accessory that makes the picture genuine and attractive and really draws you towards it.

With that taken care of, I moved to the next intricate section – what did I even have in mind while designing this profile that was going to transport me into a different universe? Why were simple questions like ‘about me’ so difficult to answer?

The problem is, you want to look good and sound smart and you know the person looking is barely going to spend a second on your profile before taking a right or a left, so it’s definitely a lot of pressure. Dating applications: the modern-day equivalents of self-esteem boosters. This brought me to the realization that all these applications and all other social media platforms are nothing but representations that people make to the world in order to showcase themselves best.

It’s a form of marketing yourself, right? You want people to pick you over others; you want to give people a reason to get to know you, and thus all that time spent on coming up with something witty to jot in that character space and look your best.

Once the logistics were out of the way, I started swiping. To my delight, after about 20 minutes of incessant finger movement, I matched with a couple of people. With the little information I had, I resorted to platforms like LinkedIn to see if they checked out. (I have very high standards to maintain.) After my filter process was complete, I was then stumped with the challenge of saying something smart. How does one begin this conversation? Definitely not with a ‘hey’ or ‘howdy matey’. But what have I even got to lose?

These guys seemed smart, and there began my journey into unchartered water.

Draft Red Herring Prospectus

  • In the beautiful, logical world of finance, making a representation is vital – no company is going to delve into the public eye without having given out some information.
  • Companies engage merchant bankers, lawyers and auditors to create the perfect offer document which details facts about its business operations and financials.
  • These regulators make sure that adequate disclosures have been made vide said offer document and that all the necessary information, essential to an investor for making an informed decision, is out there in the open.

Creating the perfect profile is a great amount of work – you don’t realize it at the time, but years of posting photos, captions, videos, posts are all an aggregation of who you are as a person. Heck, they’re just like offer documents that companies propel into the market, trying their level best to attract the most glorious lot of investors!

……. to be continued.

x EdgyShark x

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The Day of Brutus

Lately, superstition has been catching up like swine flu. And for good reason.

I mark last night into one of the hardest days of my life portfolio.

Why do we complicate things?

Why is it so hard to just understand each other?

 

I have lost my train of thought and I hope that you are all well and have had a wonderful time reading this last half of a decade that I have been writing. This is my last post here, for personal reasons. Apparently I’m silly like dirt outside of these pages. Until I sort myself out, I hope that I have inspired at least someone out there and that my attempts at growth and evolution kept you strung along for the ride. I don’t know if we’ve reached our destination, but this sure as hell feels like a road block.

Yes, I’m dramatic. But try putting on my shoes and that’s exactly how you’ll feel. At least I’m not afraid to think out loud.

Keep calm.

x EdgyShark x

Dropping It Like Its Hot

HELLO THERE PEOPLE OF THE WORLD!

Just a little reminder that I’m a person with a certain hold on life just like the rest of you.

And if anybody has an issue with that, take it up with me. Not with an assumption about me.

Excuse me while I go hit my face on the wall now.

x EdgyShark x

Assistive Touch

I’ve come to realise that all of life is nothing but a projection of your own thoughts. If you’re over the moon, there are flowers blooming even in the heart of winter, and if you’re gloomy as a grey cloud, then all you see is a vile hand being played.

And the funny thing is, no one will ever know what you’re thinking about, or how you’re thinking about something.

I’m a people-pleaser kind of gal, I go out of my way to do things for the people I consider a part of my life. But it dawned on me that maybe people don’t think so. I’ve probably become so skyrocket-y that if I don’t go all out to do something it’s considered lesser than what I can actually do.

I love the feeling of helping someone out when they need me. (More so, when they don’t!) Only because it makes people smile, and as selfish as that may sound, I like knowing I made someone smile. No deed is ever considered selfless anyway.

But then I guess, I wonder why, not many people really remember the things that one does do for them. People tend to remember what you didn’t do; where you faltered in a step and made a blunder. Penny for your thoughts: how many people do you know that actually harbour this negative approach?

I think we should really take it a notch down and applaud people for the things that they do do for us. The times that they make us smile, and the times that they’ve pulled us out, even if for a millisecond, of the dark times. I think we’d all be much happier then, if we thought the best about each other. Everyone tries really hard. Why would I take the pain to make someone miserable when I spend hours trying to do things to make them think of cherry blossoms? I don’t even know how to spell rvengeege. I’m trying to put my finger on the motive aspect here; I personally, don’t have an ill wishing bone in my body. (Unless you’re harming dogs, I’ll kick your shins.)

It’s not anybody’s business, but it’s just so annoying when you sense disappointment from another human being. Like how does someone deal with that? Where do you help someone believe that things didn’t go as planned, deliberately?

We’re all different people, made so very beautifully differently, and I’d hate to put my heart on comparison with that of anyone else’s. Maybe I’m silly, but there’s the one thing I can do that nobody else can.

I try and see the best in people; I mean it’s one way I can take my mind off all the mean thoughts I’d have towards another. Perhaps that’s my thing. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we just put on each other’s shoes once a while and liked each other a little more?

Or am I being stupid with this whole garb of actual raw niceness?

I’m no superman. But I’d still like to be appreciated for the red cape I do make an effort to put on.

x EdgyShark x

In Chaos and in Swirls

Remember that there are days full of joy you haven’t even imagined yet. Days full of pain worse than what you’re going through now.

Days of ecstasy and days of numbness.

Today is the oldest you’ve ever been and the most you’ve ever experienced but you must keep the glass half empty for the possibility of a better day.

There’s always a better day around the corner if your eyes are open to see it; if your senses are open to feeling it.

x EdgyShark x

Eight Semesters A Beanstalk

I figured this gave me solace back then, might as well give me some now. (This-venting)

Sure I can vent out in front of people and animals and babies (all tried and experimented, terribly tanked options) but it’s not the same because you just don’t trust someone can actually understand what you’re going through.

I study in a bullshit university surrounded by absolutely bullshit people and as of today, and all that’s happened to me and gone wrong because of this place, I am done. Done with hiding behind a closet of fear and not opening my mouth to say what I want.

Yes the faculty is crap and they convert the subjects into crap. Even information disseminated from morning news on the seventh insignificant page of a vernacular daily that only street food gourmets use to serve their delicacies on is more useful than what we’re ‘taught’ here.

I’m not going to take names, because OMG, despite my newfound supermanliness the physical tenets that this institution is built on might just, wait for it, crap their pants.

I’m going to tell my kids one day, I was such a bad-ass back in college, I actually went to study where goons thrive. A little person like me, with a humble background and hardworking parents are what people like this institution target.

A person like me who’s diligent, trying to get grades through and get on with the rest of my life and my friends are what this environment targets. No offence to the kids in the third world, but if this is what education looks like, they’re really better off illiterate.

And if this is what people look like, I’m so much better off alone.

And that’s the irony. Somewhere between this isolated choice and the few pillars of support that might be standing around, I tend to crumble.

Can’t wait to fast forward my life three semesters from now.

x EdgyShark x

Forgiveness is a Four Letter Word

The difference between once and never is everything.

– Inspired by Locke. My gratitude, Jay. 

Making a mistake is what us humans were born to do. But precaution aside, every mistake binds us deeper into this labyrinth of suffering in which we choose to warp ourselves, with those who provide us with love, shelter, light and even darkness; with those that show us the path unto ourselves, and those that tend to tangle us farther into this thing called an emotion.

We reflect all that we are emotive of; all that is within. Sometimes, this pressure to be and to do leads us to an opening offered, an easy disguise that seems like a plausible getaway; even if for a few moments. How then is it wrong to a fewer times run amok if it leads us ultimately into the right turn?

Mistakes can either help you reform or push you deeper away from your soul. Is it okay then to make a mistake even if it affects not only you but all those around you too? Are you just cheating yourself, your conscience, or even those of your loved ones, those who find their emotions reflective in you? But doesn’t it make sense to make a mistake at your own behest and then face the consequences? Why is it that your mistake leaves several others at the hands of your repercussions?

Only delving further into the labyrinth will tell.

x EdgyShark x

Parched Land

I think we’re all a little lost without each other.

All of us need those few people that help us get through the day. I wouldn’t say that things fall apart without them, that would be a tad dramatic, but then things just don’t feel right.

But I guess it’s up to us to make things feel right no matter where we are because those who matter are right there in those dangerously bite sized aortic pumps we carry.

And maybe sometimes it’s important to know that you can get through the most adverse of days by your very own self.

And while you’re doing that, those who you wanted will anyhow be propitious on the byline.

x Edgyshark x

Marooned on a Bronze Island

“Im going to defame this bloody place down.”

I have really managed to put my anxiety attacks under control, on another, albeit related, note.

The college authorities have really flown off the handle (this time?) Just witnessed an entire gathering of festive enthusiasts get suspended for conforming with tradition. It’s that colourful time of the year again on the Hindu calendar and well, you can’t really blame people for spreading a little cheer in this ridiculously poop coloured institution.

All my gratitude to your sorry stymied behinds for having shut down the library and the cyber zone for four whole days. It is because of you that I am having to endure Rebecca Black’s Friday just because TGIF. There’s no weekend, there is only focus to look forward to.

[If it’s not enough torture already, they just published the end term schedule and it’s gazumping with our brains on the loop. Seems like it was just a tad difficult to not be ruthless and/or fiendish and inform us that the semester would be ending a couple days earlier. My fairy godmother’s going to fly me back on her magic carpet. Of course that can be preponed, without a hitch.]

Nonetheless, we are SO getting through and spending this much deserved extended weekend towards the later half of this year all across on the other side of this Brobdingnagian globe. Hi-five partner, je t’aime!

I’m sorry for trying to bring you down and I really mean that I’m not going to get all hot and cold and naive and collusive because I understand, as much as the contrary may seem to persist, that you’re only a child too. We all are. And you’re only trying to keep your boat afloat.

Can I just stick a flag on your sail though? Pretty please 🙂 I love the water right now too. Let’s dip our feet down and let dolphins swerve and meander around our ankles!

I’m telling you, the day we get out of this place, we’ve survived, I’m going to sing ‘We are the Champions’ butt naked on the roof.

x EdgyShark x

P.S I still need my degree, which is probably going to be provisional for a couple years after I pass out, so don’t take that above mentioned dare as a contractual obligation on my part. I’m all for a nude jig, dancing to Queen but I don’t think R@wr-town’s ready for me yet.

Hold On We’re Home!

SCRRRRRRRRRRRRATCH THAAAT! (the last post —-> below)

OMG it just struck me like a bolt of lightning; HAPPINESS IS EVERYTHING!

You know all the crap that my negative mind spewed out earlier? It was just on its dramatic best.

It’s beautiful to have goals and dreams and you know what’s even better?

To watch all that come true.

Heck I just wiped off tears of joy from my face even *thinking* about the day that my mental-moment-movies come true! I can totally picture it, (No, I’m not going to give you the benefit of knowing *snide countenance*) :D

It’s just the best feeling ever.. imagine what it’d be like to even have all that actually unravel later in life!

THAT’S THE POINT!

OUI! OUI! You’re not better alone, you’re only you when you’re surrounded by the people that love you and you have that love in your heart that fills you up, and it’s for them that you wake up every morning and rock the world like a total star!

x EdgyShark x