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Forgiveness is a Four Letter Word

The difference between once and never is everything.

– Inspired by Locke. My gratitude, Jay. 

Making a mistake is what us humans were born to do. But precaution aside, every mistake binds us deeper into this labyrinth of suffering in which we choose to warp ourselves, with those who provide us with love, shelter, light and even darkness; with those that show us the path unto ourselves, and those that tend to tangle us farther into this thing called an emotion.

We reflect all that we are emotive of; all that is within. Sometimes, this pressure to be and to do leads us to an opening offered, an easy disguise that seems like a plausible getaway; even if for a few moments. How then is it wrong to a fewer times run amok if it leads us ultimately into the right turn?

Mistakes can either help you reform or push you deeper away from your soul. Is it okay then to make a mistake even if it affects not only you but all those around you too? Are you just cheating yourself, your conscience, or even those of your loved ones, those who find their emotions reflective in you? But doesn’t it make sense to make a mistake at your own behest and then face the consequences? Why is it that your mistake leaves several others at the hands of your repercussions?

Only delving further into the labyrinth will tell.

x EdgyShark x

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Dandelions

I want to be looked at like I’m magic.

No matter what the time of day,

No matter where your thoughts sashay.

I want to be thought of like I’m a gleam of summer

In a patch of snow.

When you turn a peachy cheek as the wind billows,

And your lips softly slink into a smile.

I want to be looked at

Like I look at you.

x EdgyShark x

Catch a Fallen Star, Put It In Your Pocket.

Will I forever remain so unsynchronized with my head and all of rationality? Will you accept that about me?

I’m sitting on this half-heartedly constructed rectangular concrete pillar on the terrace, letting my soul wither away in the gentle winter chill. The time calls for nature just about touching dusk; my favourite time of day. I love the light, I love it when the light’s just beginning to say goodbye. I love how the sky craves and turns scarlet, begging the light to not go. As I sit here, allowing the gentle wind to whisper through strands of my hair, I can hear the sky and I can feel how overwhelmed it’s getting. If I quieten my thoughts and squint my eyes in deep concentration, I can almost barely make out how the sky’s being forced to turn orange, and then brown, and then slowly, the clouds sift past.

I smile.

I smile to myself as shades of indigo seep in like repeated waves of the ocean. The light will be back, I tell the sky. I don’t want the light to go either, but I’ll be patiently waiting because I know I love the light too much and it will learn that.

And maybe this sadistic turn of events makes me happy because I know what it feels like to be reunited. To meet someone after feeling like you’ve been momentarily torn apart; to be told that you’re not. I know that feeling. You make me feel that feeling.

I’m still sitting there, smiling like a fool. There’s vast expanse of land in front of my eyes, just an open canvas. And in all that space, in all that wondrous atmosphere plays a slideshow of images from my memories. I’m navigating through the clouds, and all I can see is you. I see you, and I see smidgens of moments transiently flipping through, but most of all, I see your resplendent aura, gazing into mine. Just a half of these dozen last months, my home, the new city, the missing puzzle pieces, that feel like forever. And every conjecture will be.

And as far back as these images go, I see you. And there is no more. And then there’s a stroke of lightning that lights up the sky. And there’s my rainbow.

And then the stars, they burn. Some even fall to the earth.

You’re so beautiful; too beautiful for words. And I am afraid that if I touch you, then you will shatter. And all I am, will shatter.

Dear God, I ask for strength.

To be and to love so much more than what I think I can. That is all.

x EdgyShark x

Esse Est Percipi

There are days when I feel the pain that the world talks about so openly; days when someone else has so much power over me that I’m exposed and so vulnerable that I don’t even mind being tugged at like a puppet. Because of that thrust of trust into someone else’s hands. (Why would I do that? Well, that’s really how much I care.)

Why does everything have to be so diffused and scattered? I feel like my unconscious mind is playing a dirty trick on me – something so surreptitious that it’s conniving against me with utmost hatred for no reason at all – at least no reason I can easily fathom. I guess that’s what it means to be purely evil. Does that make me an evil person?

I’m not even sure as to how to answer that question. What context are we traversing upon? Moreover, how can such heartache even be possible? Of course its a freaking conspiracy as soon as all of this turmoil is heightened with period pain. And I thought I had no threshold? Today’s the 11th of April and it’s only 10:53 AM.

Aren’t prayers known to solve things? Or even bring some rain to a drought ridden zone? I’m praying so hard, it’s like hypocrisy on my fundamentalism.

It’s ironic how you mean something you say and then you go beat the shit out of that with a skillet and say something that makes someone else burn like a furnace. Life goes on and gets heavy. People move the shit on even when something as important as their parents are no more. But that doesn’t mean the pain isn’t there? It’s not about getting on with life; eventually, quite obviously, everyone does that.

I’d trade anything for a wish right about now, if for nothing, then to just turn back time and fix whatever it is that I did and let you know how much you mean. That’s always been your fear isn’t it? You left me hanging there on the boat alone. I didn’t say anything.  Doesn’t that count for anything? That there’s always hope? And everything makes sense, you’ve just got to open your eyes and see it! (I’m just looking at everything. Please don’t yell. It freaks me out when someone gets mad at me. But I still stood ground and listened to everything. And watched you lift a finger.)

I have excellent reason to hate the entire male populace – beyond anything anyone else has experienced. But we can’t let these things get in our way, can we? You’ve no clue about 20 years too, but then how about we make the next 20 something to remember?

I can’t ever be brave. And I’m not afraid of that. It’s cool. I guess I like that rush.

And this isn’t really anything all that serious, but it sure does feel like it. It sucks so bad and if that means nothing then well and good. But it does to me, so thank you please, very much I shall hold on to my feelings without anyone else telling me what (not) to feel. And I know everyone else does that too, people just try being overtly cool by pretending that life can be lived detached from all beings.

I’m really at a loss of words right now, because everything that I make an attempt to say will go against me. And I’m not even sure why. All I did was like you. And that’s all I even said.

Is that such a bad thing? I thought it was beautiful. But you’re making it out to be a beautiful disaster.

I will always see the best in people. And I will always hope that you come back and at least, speak to me. What else can I do? Literally got you abusing me in front of so many other people, that still doesn’t tell you I care enough to be there?

P.S Entertainment equals an international law class. I guess I just really like being around you and well my heart’s on my sleeve. (I’m not really sure how the two sentences connect, but it’s really funny how .. I lost my train of thought. I’ve been super distracted since Pillai talked about dispute resolution earlier today; if that counts for anything.)

x EdgyShark x

This was just a whole lot of meaningful rambling. I’m surprised I’m so out of my mind. I guess there’s a first time for everything.

The Conquest of Happiness

Hey, here’s  question I’ve been meaning to ask the world for a long time now. Since the life I’m living is mine, aren’t I allowed to be happy by my own terms?

Is it so wrong to be not in control of something for sometime? Is it wrong to want to spread cheer? Last time I checked, the world was a pretty shitty place filled with cynics and poachers killing all signs of rainbows and colour. I mean yes, all that sounds rather utopian but who are we kidding?

In our own little ways, we try each day to make ourselves smile. And sometimes we find people who help us smile. And sometimes we begin really liking them because of the happiness that they bring to our lives. Is that so wrong?

I’ve had a pretty painted past, just like anyone else. I don’t think I should get reprimanded for something that I did earlier. It’s my karma to serve anyway, not yours. Whatever my feelings may be, I’ll look the other way if I have to. If I’ve got to make a feeling stop, I will.

This is all very unnerving, especially for me. I don’t plan on making things happen, just like you don’t. Life just kind of whizzes by without really giving prior notice about what’s going to happen. It’s how we handle situations that make us different from others. So If I’m being pointed fingers at for going through something that’s the most natural thing in the world, I think you’re a hypocrite. And also, you’re just sad. Nothing more, nothing less.

Now I’m going to look at some hot pilot and listen to One Thing. That’s how lame I’ve become. So till the time that I actually get on the path to resume being someone like Shahid Azmi, it’s my problem, not yours. Unless you want to share that you’re going through the same exact thing, don’t bother looking at my face. And until then, I’ll (once again!) continue being alligator meat.

x EdgyShark x

Good Life

(كن فيكون kun fa-yakūnu)

I got hurt. Really hurt. And sometimes when that happens, something inside me just shuts off.

Sometimes, it’s really hard to ponder over what has happened and try and figure out what went wrong. Have you ever wondered, that when you’re truly happy and living in the midst of exciting moments, you seldom stop to think, ‘so what went right?’ But why do we think when things go wrong? What is right and what is wrong?

Wrong’s when someone doesn’t give you the reaction you look for? How ambiguous. (Before I break off into more existentialist thoughts, I’m going to step away from the wheel. Can’t do late night brain killing anymore.)

I’m just going to BE. And i’m going to be for myself. I’m my own muse; I don’t need another individual to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do. In any case, when I’m desperate for answers, I’d rather turn to Kafka than to some worthless existence who hasn’t a clue about what he or she may be doing and are just out there throwing useless information away like sales people at a supermarket.

I spent a decent day by myself; I’m trying to be calm. Everyday, at least ten minutes are spent introspecting. I’m beginning to find that a heady mix of praying in all kinds of languages is somehow helping me regain composure. It’s helping me realize I’ll be okay.

Why look for answers within when over thinking only drives you nuts? But how does one even get closure when there are no answers? I’m working on my insecurities.

On another note, I need a fabulous haircut so I can flip and overwhelm. And subsequently find my own posse.

x EdgyShark x

It’s Raining Harder

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I’ve never believed there’s a God. Religion’s always been a subject that’s irritated me to bits because I don’t understand the idea of praying before someone and feeling small in front of an entity that we’ve never set eyes upon. Who knows if He exists right? We’ve got so many people in the world believing in different ideas of the same God, just like a sea of humanity, with one musician here and a Steve Jobs there.

Then again, out of sheer desperation, there have been times when I’ve been reduced to what every man does in a terrible terrible situation – ask God for help. Just because it seemed like the right thing, heck the only thing to do at the time.

I’ve asked for a lot of personal stuff I’m not comfortable writing about, that involved every other person that I know, ranging from my mum to people I don’t know like the one beggar I always saw on the street on my way to school and the chauffeur and only He knows who else, and He got them what I asked Him to get them.

I have seen it happening in front of me, and I know they’ve got what I asked Him to get them. But I’ve only ever asked for very few things for myself. I asked God to get me into NLUD. He betrayed me there, and put me into HNLU instead. After that the one thing I remember asking for was to have people around me who cared for me and appreciated my presence. Didn’t happen either. I consoled myself by telling myself that I didn’t ask for it with a pure heart or I didn’t ask for that strong enough.

If there’s something, He’s only let me fall and I don’t want to go into all that philosophical shit about how you gotta fall to get back on your feet. I didn’t ask for lessons in happiness, then again, I didn’t even ask for happiness. All I asked for was some care and affection.

Guess it’s too much to ask for because it’s raining harder than ever. I’m in a bit of a fix now because I’ve asked for the happiness of a lot of people, and they’re really settled in their lives now, I can see that. No one’s asked for happiness for me because it’s too many wishes gone waste.

Yet, dilemmas and nightmares are taking a toll on me because I don’t know now whether to believe or not to believe.. I know when you ask for something, you sure do get it, but it’s not making me happy and I’m tired of looking out for the rest of the world, feeding everyone I know with muffin tops and keeping the burnt bits for myself.

Profound how this force is just pulling me under with every passing minute. I guess I’m one of few that know He’s there but don’t want to believe because He’s doing nothing for me.

I wouldn’t thus say it’s easier, but Guillaume Canet’s more real to me than God will be. Canet + pizza on a really bad night back in shutter island as opposed to shutting my eyes tight and soaking my soul with the warmth of my salty tears doesn’t just sound better, it feels better too. Whatever floats my boat, right?

x EdgyShark x

Goin’ Downtown

I’m trying to have a very hard time deciding what I want to do for the start of my 20th year on this godforsaken planet. The answer’s simple, I want to do something that involves not a soul but myself because I’m really tired of everyone. There’s not a single person that I can count on without making me feel like pure balderdash about everything.

I’m done thinking every damn thing is my fault, and at this point, even if it is, I really don’t care. Gone are the days when people actually bothered or thought something highly of me. Gone are the days when people went out of their way to do something for me.

When I ask someone to get me some treasured red Dom from a duty free shop I don’t expect their reply to be ‘guess what, I’l just buy it here in India it’s not big deal’. It’s kind of a big deal when you spent hours purchasing malt for your friends and conveniently forgot about me.

It’s kind of a big deal when someone talks about every wonderful thing every individual has done to them and when it comes to me, you make a countenance expressing utmost disgust sneaking a whiff of ‘stop eating my brains out’.

Man, I sure don’t look like it, but I have feelings too. But I guess that’s the extent of my independent nature – it’s taken me to a place where I truly don’t need anyone to do anything for me. Yet I recall a hundred instances where others, no matter how un-needy they were, still had people flocking towards them like a moth to a flame.

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I want to live in a world where bother is unknown and someone cares. And that care is not reduced to the likes of annoyance making me feel guilty for every wrong happened to every man on earth.

I want to be alone, so alone that I don’t hear a single voice emanating anywhere and that I have finally found peace in my mind and my heart.

For the start of my 20th year here on this godforsaken planet, I want to feel a blank space.

x EdgyShark x

The Karma Cafe – The Distance Between Closure and Revenge

I think we’ve lost it as a country – arresting people for posting facebook statuses while living in a democracy and then screaming joy because a terrorist was finally sentenced to death. Disclaimer: Please do not read the rest of this thought if you think I’m being insensitive. If you’re interested in calling the cops, try me, I’m a law student. So for god’s sake, don’t blame this on me because I’m not a) creating any sort of enmity or b) inciting any individual against any form of government or political system.

I’m going to start with Kasab and what happened earlier this morning – in all secrecy, the man was hanged and put to death at the gallows after being charged for the monstrosity and atrocious acts that he committed in the city of Mumbai four years ago. In my opinion, the government should have just waited another five days and hung him on the 26th of November itself, for sentiment’s sake. However, I refuse to think this brings any kind of closure. It’s true, I have not been affected by the terrorism and neither have I experienced what it might be like to lose someone you love; fair enough, it must be the worst thing to go through in the universe, but how can someone even say that taking revenge, i.e., doing away with the man who killed someone I know and thus caused grief and insurmountable amounts of pain and tragedy, can help me feel better?

I’ve grown up reading Harry Potter so I know what that boy felt like. All his life, he wanted to kill Voldemort, but WHY? People fail to understand that he wanted to kill ol’ Voldie not because he killed his parents but because he also created a havoc and chaos and killed a billion other people.

What I’m trying to get at is that I find this entire concept to be flawed; I understand that procedure has to be followed and one must keep in mind the rule of law and equal protection for all people, no matter who they may be. Nonetheless, saying that his death has caused people closure is wrong. He was a human being caught in the middle of a game; he was a boy who grew up in the worst of company; again, Im NOT saying that it was not his fault, of course it was, but then saying that his death has brought the country closure is a ridiculous thought. Unless we catch all these terrorists and strengthen our defense system, we’re not going to get any closure. Unless we take action to stop spreading hate and animosity, we’re not going to get any closure!

Let the government do what it has to; it is not in the hands of the civilians to interfere with the working of the government unless they’re infringing upon their rights and doing something terribly wrong. Taking someone’s life, even if it may be rendered constitutional, still requires a number of things to be taken into account. It’s obviously understood that his death sentence and hanging has brought peace to those who lost their near and dear ones but for the rest of the nation? It’s a pretty retarded notion to have, “oh that’s awesome, Kasab’s dead, we are safe and we have closure.”

We have only duress to look forward to; we have a shameless world to look on to; we have a disgusting environment for the younger generations to grow up in. Instead of hating a country called ‘Pakistan’ which collectively, at least as per evidence, has done nothing as a whole, we need to look at this with a broader perspective. For Christ’s sake, a guy who spreads terror might have a Pakistani nationality but he could have studied abroad, received funding from abroad and other facilities from people abroad which have influenced and fueled his growth and development.

We need to stop blaming each other and start being the change that we want to see. We need to stop thinking about things like Kasab’s gone now it’s Guru’s turn. Most people do not even bother to read about their lives and see why the execution of their death sentence has been delayed. Instead of venturing into the nitty-gritties and simply discussing futile things over dinner, we bring nothing but disrespect for the judiciary and the executive. This is what unties our shoe strings as a nation, makes us vulnerable to the rest of the world and lets perpetrators infiltrate so easily.

Stop telling people what they need to do unless it is really required. We have smart people here and there and then we have an uneducated mass of people that get swayed easily by whatever someone says. (By uneducated, Im not targeting those that haven’t been to school because we have a ton of people that have received a great amount of education but have stashed all those years in a skeleton closet.)

There might be a hundred terrorists from Pakistan, but what’s the point if we go on killing all of them and playing the blame game? Dangerous terrorists need to be captured and agreed the Pakis need to start taking responsibility for the hate that they’re spreading and the hate that they’re spreading, but as a country, they might have some beautiful people too. On another note, anyone remember Malala Yousufaza, the Afghani supergirl?

People need to be slapped on their faces for calling this a ‘moment of joy’ because ask yourself HOW does this symbolize triumph in any way? I get that people may have lost their loved ones and the one who killed them needs to be hung to death, and now he has. But now that all this is done, isn’t closure going to really come in practicing some love and peace so that little Kasabs are not born time and again?

Screw Kasab, what happens to all those ridiculous Indians? Who you ask?

I’ll give you an in-exhaustive list of perverts, rapists, murderers, eve-teasers and what not who spread terror every single day. What about any kind of person causing violence and agitation among people? Forgotten Dhananjay Chatterjee? of course we have because all we want to do is talk about how Pakistan has butchered the well.

How is this helping the terrorism that’s taking over the rest of the world, the bomb that exploded in Tel Aviv as we speak? How can we say we’re looking for closure when all we’re talking about is being selfish? Like politicians aren’t goons in our country ripping us off our money and sentiment? If there’s anyone to blame its all human beings, and if it has to be brought down to specifics, it’s people with names and those that cause crimes. Given Kasab’s from Pakistan and that the country has not been admitting or accepting the kind of people they have been housing, but on another level doesn’t the same go to the Chief Minister of Maharashtra not replying to Katju, J.’s letter about the extremely arbitrary arrest of the two young girls in Mumbai?

It’s ridiculous that we blame each other for the nonsensical happenings that go on in our lives, much less forget that since we’re not strong as a nation, obviously an alien is going to take advantage of that situation because let’s face it we have individualistic needs. But stop spreading hate and eventually everything will be alright. You might have lost someone at a killer’s hands, but killing him is not going to make things better, it’s going to make you exactly what he was, even if he deserved it. These things are difficult to track down and understand, but the notion of moving on is full of loop holes if you actually assert and tell me that you will wake up tomorrow morning and everything will be rosy as a sunny Sunday morning.

The execution’s fine, but using it as an excuse to say it’s closure is not. He got what he deserved, in my mum’s words, he visited the Karma cafe, but you don’t want to be the one trying his shoes on next, so watch your aura and keep it clean.

Send out good vibes and stop politicizing nonsense.

x EdgyShark x

Spooky Friday

I just realized:

There are some situations in life you just cannot let go of; even if you stray away from all the bullshit and the pain that people caused and you and do not associate yourself with them, but if you still have to see them for the rest some part of your life, you maintain a soft corner for them somewhere. See, it’s not like I’m not strong enough, but it’s just that I’m not mean enough. I could blog and bitch and do all that to make myself feel better, but I’m not going to intentionally hurt someone even if they stabbed me. Because that goes against my principles, and I feel it’s perfectly okay to be that way. It’s not like I’m ever going to go out of my way (or even in my way) to do something for such people anymore, in fact I won’t even speak to them or anything, but it’s just that if they do speak to me, I shall be civil. With a streak of sarcasm, which goes without saying, on days when I’m PMSing.

Also, my cousins do not realize how much I miss them; it’s like they’re all still doing things in the comforts of their own homes and here I am, sitting somewhere that doesn’t even show up on the map. I’m not even IN R@wr-Town per se, some 40 kms from it. I get time off to think about all these things, contemplate a great deal about my every movement and see where I’m going. Living here is like living on small blots of lysergic acid diethylamide perpetually. Because it slows and fastens things down randomly and makes you aware of a heck lot of more detail than living in the bustle of a city.

Moreover, I guess I’m a little too emotional, but that’s how some of us are made. So when I try to speak to my cousins, I want to feel wanted by them too. I don’t wanna do all the missing and all the speaking about them all the time. Sometimes it just feels good to know that you’re wanted too, but I guess this trip back home showed me that no one really gives a damn. Except Bush and Ezra. I know everyone tried to meet me and everything, but it’s not just that, it’s getting that attention from those that you want, at least for five minutes a day. It’s having them talk about you on their BB statuses and facebook updates just like you do all the time. Because if it’s not a two way street, then it’s a hopeless journey and a waste of petrol.

x EdgyShark x

P.S Thank you for the music Ezz, you made me feel young again 😀