Boy-Ancy

Keeping “afloat” on the quest to understanding the humor behind men, love, and existence – but with a twist of finance!

Someone I work with told me (in relation to the bevy of dates I’ve been undertaking – because during the course of this saga, you’ll realise there have been an abundance of men, dates and linkages to modern day commerce), ‘you’re lucky you have this inherent powerhouse. Why don’t you though use it constructively and productively?’ And so, starts my buoyant quest into the world of finance, economics and well, boys.

What is life, if not a series of pragmatic events taking place? Or at least, a series of pragmatic responses, to situations that occur?

Over the last few years, I’ve understood that I am the kind of person that loves when any kind of logic kicks in.

But sometimes, this logic takes a real backseat.

Of late, my emotional instability has been the driving force of my existence, and distraction has taken over my soul like a work of art. Logic has run amok comme ca an estranged balloon (I’m hoping that balloon transforms into a boomerang) and hyperactive energy has taken over my being with a sense of dominance.

I was in a long long-term relationship, for the longest time; and it was great, caveat, while it was great. But before I get into the intricacies of my saga, I feel the need to give you a little bit of an insight into how I function – I am of the opinion that life should be lived practically, and sadly enough, as human beings, we tend to make a mess out of a circumstance by painting it with unnecessary emotion.

But that’s when I decided, can’t there be a bridge linking this turmoil of emotion to practical life? Since my strengths (and daily job) lie in unearthing the logic out of financial and economic concepts, it hit me – these theories can easily be applied to our personal lives. And no matter how emotional a person, that emotion can easily be countered and mitigated by putting 2 and 2 together!

*Eureka!*

After 4 years of relentlessly trying to prove myself emotionally, albeit quite prematurely, I realized it was time to let go of the rope I was hanging onto so dearly, at the cost of having that rope dig into the crevice of my palm, for fear of falling off the cliff – A classic case of cost benefit analysis. Let me explain.

Cost Benefit Analysis –

• Analyze decisions;
• Evaluate potential costs and revenues to achieve a projected outcome;
• Decide whether said outcome is feasible enough to delve into the project;
• Make a rationale, a calculated decision on said basis;
• Pick an alternative and go for it.

Now in a relationship, women, as compared to men, are usually of the more empathetic mindset where they tend lesser to make self-interested decisions. In this regard, even though they may undertake a cost benefit analysis, more often than not, they don’t do it in a singular attempt to maximize value / profit to themselves.

As an investor, if you constantly pumped funds into an entity, nurtured it and watched it grow, as level headed as you may be, an attachment is bound to appear with time. But sometimes, ventures fail, and the faster you realize that the more beneficial it eventually is. There must come a time when you take a step back, freeze your moolah and assess the situation.

Using that analogy, I stopped, straightened out the tangled wires in my head, and whipped out a mental notepad. Splitting the page into two, it took me all of five minutes to conclude that the costs of my 4-year engagement with tryst, were clearly outweighing the benefits, but the fear of having invested heavy amounts of time and energy into that relationship is what was stopping me from taking the risk of pulling the plug on it.

And so, I did.

I took that leap of faith and understood that bigger, better things are to come my way, and life has opened doors to exciting new possibilities. My mum once told me, ‘sometimes you gotta let go of the old so that something new can come in’. Even though this was with reference to my beloved copy of Roald Dahl’s Matilda, it was, and has been, damn good advice.

From concepts like wilful defaulting to the renowned Prospect Theory – why not use that logic and make sense of life?

Now imagine if people gave out offer documents, representing themselves to the public eye, enabling others to make informed decisions and choices based on getting to know them better?

Don’t we though?

The new thing I have been engaging in, has been putting myself out there. Allow me to elaborate.

The world has become a pretty digitized space, and if you’re not in it, well, you’re not in it. A while ago, my cousin moved to the States, and her life took a different turn the day she downloaded a bunch of dating applications. (At least in my eyes, it did.) Since I was flying an emotionally turbulent charter plane with my then-boyfriend then, I had a completely different opinion on said applications as compared to now, when I’m beginning to see ‘what makes business sense’.

Back then, I thought Bumble was for creeps and Tinder was for hooking up – something I wouldn’t ever consider, having honed a traditionalist way of thinking about monogamy.  I thought dating applications were used by the downtrodden, who wanted to simply lose themselves in the moment, have a few drinks at a bar, while away their time in a flurry of excitement, with no permanence for tomorrow.

However, a few weeks ago, the new me allowed my thoughts and straitjacket opinions to liberate themselves and adopt a more fluid way of thinking, and my fingers took no time to hit the app store. Let’s get Bumble-ing, I thought.

Not to freely advertise, but the way this interface is designed is pretty addictive. It took me barely any time to put together a profile (after of course 27 minutes of obsessing over the fact that I didn’t have a decent photograph of myself in my photo gallery – unless the first impression I wanted to give the new world was of a carefree me with half-eaten lettuce dripping in mayonnaise falling ever so gracefully out of my mouth at a burger joint in New York City). So, what’s a decent picture to put up? I mean in all honesty, I spill my food on myself 9 times out of 10 when I’m eating – not in a gross way but like a few strands of rice here and a little sauce maybe there. But I’m supposed to hide that honesty until perhaps the twenty second date, I’ve been told. Apparently, that’s not the kind of thing that attracts someone.

I flipped through the gallery, what picture’s next? I thought. Maybe some memories from all the partying I did in Bali earlier this year. But definitely not something that shows too much skin, I mean I’m here to meet new people, and explore the possibility of even talking to them, not give them the wrong idea! That rules out everything from the beach – this is still India we’re talking about. Also, striking out pictures that have a monument in the backdrop, I mean, how shady does that look? You’re showing off the Eiffel tower? Boy, I can see that tower on google whenever I want. Heck, I can take a flight to France tomorrow if I wanted to.

What then defines a great picture? I have the answer to that.

A picture where you’re wearing a great smile – the kind that’s so powerful that it blurs out the background. Doesn’t matter if you’re leaning by the Westminster or melting under the tropical sun, that is an accessory that makes the picture genuine and attractive and really draws you towards it.

With that taken care of, I moved to the next intricate section – what did I even have in mind while designing this profile that was going to transport me into a different universe? Why were simple questions like ‘about me’ so difficult to answer?

The problem is, you want to look good and sound smart and you know the person looking is barely going to spend a second on your profile before taking a right or a left, so it’s definitely a lot of pressure. Dating applications: the modern-day equivalents of self-esteem boosters. This brought me to the realization that all these applications and all other social media platforms are nothing but representations that people make to the world in order to showcase themselves best.

It’s a form of marketing yourself, right? You want people to pick you over others; you want to give people a reason to get to know you, and thus all that time spent on coming up with something witty to jot in that character space and look your best.

Once the logistics were out of the way, I started swiping. To my delight, after about 20 minutes of incessant finger movement, I matched with a couple of people. With the little information I had, I resorted to platforms like LinkedIn to see if they checked out. (I have very high standards to maintain.) After my filter process was complete, I was then stumped with the challenge of saying something smart. How does one begin this conversation? Definitely not with a ‘hey’ or ‘howdy matey’. But what have I even got to lose?

These guys seemed smart, and there began my journey into unchartered water.

Draft Red Herring Prospectus

• In the beautiful, logical world of finance, making a representation is vital – no company is going to delve into the public eye without having given out some information.
• Companies engage merchant bankers, lawyers and auditors to create the perfect offer document which details facts about its business operations and financials.
• These regulators make sure that adequate disclosures have been made vide said offer document and that all the necessary information, essential to an investor for making an informed decision, is out there in the open.

Creating the perfect profile is a great amount of work – you don’t realize it at the time, but years of posting photos, captions, videos, posts are all an aggregation of who you are as a person. Heck, they’re just like offer documents that companies propel into the market, trying their level best to attract the most glorious lot of investors!

……. to be continued.

x EdgyShark x

The Day of Brutus

Lately, superstition has been catching up like swine flu. And for good reason.

I mark last night into one of the hardest days of my life portfolio.

Why do we complicate things?

Why is it so hard to just understand each other?

 

I have lost my train of thought and I hope that you are all well and have had a wonderful time reading this last half of a decade that I have been writing. This is my last post here, for personal reasons. Apparently I’m silly like dirt outside of these pages. Until I sort myself out, I hope that I have inspired at least someone out there and that my attempts at growth and evolution kept you strung along for the ride. I don’t know if we’ve reached our destination, but this sure as hell feels like a road block.

Yes, I’m dramatic. But try putting on my shoes and that’s exactly how you’ll feel. At least I’m not afraid to think out loud.

Keep calm.

x EdgyShark x

Dropping It Like Its Hot

HELLO THERE PEOPLE OF THE WORLD!

Just a little reminder that I’m a person with a certain hold on life just like the rest of you.

And if anybody has an issue with that, take it up with me. Not with an assumption about me.

Excuse me while I go hit my face on the wall now.

x EdgyShark x

Assistive Touch

I’ve come to realise that all of life is nothing but a projection of your own thoughts. If you’re over the moon, there are flowers blooming even in the heart of winter, and if you’re gloomy as a grey cloud, then all you see is a vile hand being played.

And the funny thing is, no one will ever know what you’re thinking about, or how you’re thinking about something.

I’m a people-pleaser kind of gal, I go out of my way to do things for the people I consider a part of my life. But it dawned on me that maybe people don’t think so. I’ve probably become so skyrocket-y that if I don’t go all out to do something it’s considered lesser than what I can actually do.

I love the feeling of helping someone out when they need me. (More so, when they don’t!) Only because it makes people smile, and as selfish as that may sound, I like knowing I made someone smile. No deed is ever considered selfless anyway.

But then I guess, I wonder why, not many people really remember the things that one does do for them. People tend to remember what you didn’t do; where you faltered in a step and made a blunder. Penny for your thoughts: how many people do you know that actually harbour this negative approach?

I think we should really take it a notch down and applaud people for the things that they do do for us. The times that they make us smile, and the times that they’ve pulled us out, even if for a millisecond, of the dark times. I think we’d all be much happier then, if we thought the best about each other. Everyone tries really hard. Why would I take the pain to make someone miserable when I spend hours trying to do things to make them think of cherry blossoms? I don’t even know how to spell rvengeege. I’m trying to put my finger on the motive aspect here; I personally, don’t have an ill wishing bone in my body. (Unless you’re harming dogs, I’ll kick your shins.)

It’s not anybody’s business, but it’s just so annoying when you sense disappointment from another human being. Like how does someone deal with that? Where do you help someone believe that things didn’t go as planned, deliberately?

We’re all different people, made so very beautifully differently, and I’d hate to put my heart on comparison with that of anyone else’s. Maybe I’m silly, but there’s the one thing I can do that nobody else can.

I try and see the best in people; I mean it’s one way I can take my mind off all the mean thoughts I’d have towards another. Perhaps that’s my thing. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we just put on each other’s shoes once a while and liked each other a little more?

Or am I being stupid with this whole garb of actual raw niceness?

I’m no superman. But I’d still like to be appreciated for the red cape I do make an effort to put on.

x EdgyShark x

In Chaos and in Swirls

Remember that there are days full of joy you haven’t even imagined yet. Days full of pain worse than what you’re going through now.

Days of ecstasy and days of numbness.

Today is the oldest you’ve ever been and the most you’ve ever experienced but you must keep the glass half empty for the possibility of a better day.

There’s always a better day around the corner if your eyes are open to see it; if your senses are open to feeling it.

x EdgyShark x

I Let The Dogs Out

I’ve narrowed down the two kinds of people in this world to (brace yourselves)

1. Dog Lovers
2. Dog Haters

Before you continue, I don’t intend to direct this towards people who are indifferent towards these regal creatures. You could not like dogs but not hate them at the same time – I’d respect someone who just let the dogs of the world be.

I was fortunate to have a pet when I was younger, but he died. I had so many people in my family who’d just come and be all freaked out when they met Snoopy, almost like a circus clown on display. I mean, come on people! He’s just another member of the family, if we can all just chill out a little.

I think dogs are just the best things on the planet ever. The simplest pleasures that life can probably give to you are not in the form of jewellery, ladies. They’re dogs. Sweet little face lickers that can just about turn anyone’s day around.

Right here in this sordid squalid crap hole that I’m currently serving past life karmic time at, I am fortunate enough to have met the two best friends ever – Pudro and Denny. They’re more sophisticated and trained than most people I’ve ever met in my life, let alone every last person I’ve met here (except my other friends who indulge these four legged cuties along with me). They’re more polite and mindful and faithful than you’d ever imagine and my day isn’t complete without having fed them. I am greeted with more hugs and kisses by those dogs than having even endured my mum smother me when I do home runs.

As is our usual routine, J and I met to fed the dogs and play with them during dinner time after which Pudro followed me back to the dorms. In the meanwhile, as I kept playing and petting him, I was accosted by a bunch of dog haters who tried to “shoo” him away with an iron pole. (I MEAN HOW HEARTLESS IS MY STORY ALREADY?)

If that’s not enough, I was asked to stop petting the dog and stop showing compassion because “Oh there have been complaints of him biting other girls.” “PUDRO? BITING PEOPLE? LOL.”

I don’t understand why people can’t just let dogs be. I mean, if you don’t like them, just don’t come in their way. There’s one thing my dad’s taught me about animals, you can look one in the eye and just tell what it’s thinking. It’s the same with Pudro; he’s got the deepest brown kind eyes I’ve ever laid my eyes on, and I know for a fact that him, or any other dog in the world wouldn’t harm a human being unless they’re defending themselves while being attacked: Read – Dog Hater Human Losers.

Forget empathy, people here don’t even have basic manners to speak to others. But then that’s what our country’s made of, people who like to throw their potbellied weight around. (You don’t like the AIB Roast video, just don’t WATCH IT! Stop calling it vulgar comedy and making sure someone else doesn’t either! – it’s the same philosophy! Just leave the dog alone!)

Dog haters are probably in-built psychopaths – it’s like hating human beings on the general. Who does that? One man causes harm to me and I hate the entire human race? Grow UP.

I think people bite people more than dogs biting people, for sure. And by people, I mean firstly the very lady who only laid a finger on the dog because her stupid son was scared. You can’t even live and let live and you call yourself a Gandhian.

You build a darned failed university on fraudulent land in the wilderness and then claim there are dogs and cows invading it. Like hello? Can someone wake Sid up because this irony is just oozing out of my skin.

Here’s my very valuable advice – Dog haters are people you should be wary of – a simple trait of just hating a dog gives you a replete insight into their personalities. These are people who make judgments based on hearsay; people who have their own notions in the air of what in the world is right and what is wrong – people who think out of their bums and most often turn out to be those who display signs of terrorism (as big or small the situation might account for – bullies, failures etc.)

Really, you’re forming an opinion about a dog that hasn’t even looked in your direction, and you’re already basing lies on the poor thing stating it’s going around biting people – also knowing fully well you can get away with whatever you say because that dog can’t even open its mouth to defend itself?

THESE are the wonderful teachers that are teaching the law today. I rest (and spit!) my case.

x EdgyShark x

Bee In The Bonnet

Is it just me or is the entire world going through the same exact things as I am? And if we all just let each other know, wouldn’t we feel a little more reassured? Perhaps, it’s just me.

The other day, on a local back home, I was happy. I had a great day that I spent with my best friend. He’d said to me the three words that would light up anyone’s day, he said “Yaayy Yayy YAYY!” I couldn’t wipe the silly grin off of my face and was so oblivious to the world that I almost failed to notice this young lady sitting opposite just glaring out the window frame.

The music kept dancing through my ears and my fingers kept trying to kill time by working mindless apps on my phone but then I finally looked up to see that the world wasn’t at glee with me. That young lady suddenly burst into a fit of emotion and tears streamed down her face. I looked away because I didn’t want to seem nosy.

The train stopped at another station; people walked in, people flowed out. The woman buried her face deep into her palms.

Mystified, I returned to my cellphone screen and thought to myself. How many times have I felt defeated enough to let myself break down on the local to and fro home? I remembered that one day work was so bad and I kept rethinking my decision about studying law and working at a firm and how I cried because I felt stuck. I thought of the times I’d cried out of helplessness even, blaming family on (now what feels like were) insignificant things. I looked up again; the lady was trying her best to hide herself and people around her, although squished into the aisle, seemed absolutely nonchalant. And why wouldn’t they?

That’s when the epiphany arose. Everyone’s got a tough life and we’re selfish enough to think we’re going through the worst.

I fished into my bag for a pack of tissues. There were two left in the pack. ‘Heck,’ I told myself, ‘she needs them more than I do.’ And at least on that day she did.

I offered her the tissues with a smile and mouthed ‘It’s okay,’ and I can bet she was a tad gratified because someone understood, if not what she was going through, then the fact that she was going through something.

Before she could say anything, I got up and went and stood next to the door for my stop. The upbeat music still played through my ears. And then, I was happy. Not because of how my day had unfolded out, but because how this little moment had warped itself into my day.

I was happy that I offered someone the path to a smile.

I was also happy to know that you are the most attractive version of yourself when you’re smiling and the happiness comes from within. Because if it doesn’t, you can’t spread it. So maybe that assuring factor comes from within too. It’s tough, and I’m still practicing, but totally worth it!

Spread the cheer. Make someone smile today! 🙂

x EdgyShark x

Eight Semesters A Beanstalk

I figured this gave me solace back then, might as well give me some now. (This-venting)

Sure I can vent out in front of people and animals and babies (all tried and experimented, terribly tanked options) but it’s not the same because you just don’t trust someone can actually understand what you’re going through.

I study in a bullshit university surrounded by absolutely bullshit people and as of today, and all that’s happened to me and gone wrong because of this place, I am done. Done with hiding behind a closet of fear and not opening my mouth to say what I want.

Yes the faculty is crap and they convert the subjects into crap. Even information disseminated from morning news on the seventh insignificant page of a vernacular daily that only street food gourmets use to serve their delicacies on is more useful than what we’re ‘taught’ here.

I’m not going to take names, because OMG, despite my newfound supermanliness the physical tenets that this institution is built on might just, wait for it, crap their pants.

I’m going to tell my kids one day, I was such a bad-ass back in college, I actually went to study where goons thrive. A little person like me, with a humble background and hardworking parents are what people like this institution target.

A person like me who’s diligent, trying to get grades through and get on with the rest of my life and my friends are what this environment targets. No offence to the kids in the third world, but if this is what education looks like, they’re really better off illiterate.

And if this is what people look like, I’m so much better off alone.

And that’s the irony. Somewhere between this isolated choice and the few pillars of support that might be standing around, I tend to crumble.

Can’t wait to fast forward my life three semesters from now.

x EdgyShark x

Forgiveness is a Four Letter Word

The difference between once and never is everything.

– Inspired by Locke. My gratitude, Jay. 

Making a mistake is what us humans were born to do. But precaution aside, every mistake binds us deeper into this labyrinth of suffering in which we choose to warp ourselves, with those who provide us with love, shelter, light and even darkness; with those that show us the path unto ourselves, and those that tend to tangle us farther into this thing called an emotion.

We reflect all that we are emotive of; all that is within. Sometimes, this pressure to be and to do leads us to an opening offered, an easy disguise that seems like a plausible getaway; even if for a few moments. How then is it wrong to a fewer times run amok if it leads us ultimately into the right turn?

Mistakes can either help you reform or push you deeper away from your soul. Is it okay then to make a mistake even if it affects not only you but all those around you too? Are you just cheating yourself, your conscience, or even those of your loved ones, those who find their emotions reflective in you? But doesn’t it make sense to make a mistake at your own behest and then face the consequences? Why is it that your mistake leaves several others at the hands of your repercussions?

Only delving further into the labyrinth will tell.

x EdgyShark x

Dandelions

I want to be looked at like I’m magic.

No matter what the time of day,

No matter where your thoughts sashay.

I want to be thought of like I’m a gleam of summer

In a patch of snow.

When you turn a peachy cheek as the wind billows,

And your lips softly slink into a smile.

I want to be looked at

Like I look at you.

x EdgyShark x