I’m feelin’ electric tonight, cruising down the coast going ’bout 99.
I’m on fire, I can feel it everywhere, and nothing scares me anymore. Except well, I’m the biggest scared critter there ever roamed the Earth. After maybe Scooby Doo but then again, that’s a cartoon.
Everything’s a mess. I feel like I’m on an island and I never want to leave that island. The moment I touch the water to traverse upon it, it’s going to consume me whole. As long as I’m friendly, the waves understand who I am. As soon as I even so much as think about escaping(? terrible terrible usage of word), there’s going to be a shark that jumps right out and swallows me whole. After probably munching me to pieces like okra.
No incessant tai-chi breathing is going to help this. No amount of music can make this better. Nothing is going to calm me down until I touch base at R@wr-Town and tell myself this is it. At least for the next six months. So what am I so afraid of?
I hate goodbyes. I detest them with every fibre of my being; I loathe saying goodbye to someone I love, something or some place I adore to the last letter. And more than all of that, I hate being the one left. Granted it’s not a sordid goodbye, more a bientot as compared to an indefinite au revoir, yet it irks my soul somewhere. Unless I’m really not looking forward to meeting a face for the rest of my life, and I’m triply sure about the same, I try and keep my ‘byes’ to a minimal greeting.
Coming back to why my fingertips are so jittery and my insides are rattling like a happy baby pram, I don’t think I can do this anymore. I mean I’ve got to and I will eventually, but that’s beside the point.
The point being, I can’t:
a) take anyone yelling profanity at me or even raising their voice or being curt for no reason at all and treating me with absolute disrespect, especially when I know I deserve if not large then at least a miniscule ounce of the same;
b) indulge in all this moving business anymore.
Erhmygawd I cannot go back to rainy Raipur!
I’m not even making sense right now because deep down I want to be left alone, but on the surface, I fear being left alone. Don’t you just hate it when your very being transforms into a paradoxical situation? 😐
I’m just so shaky inside right now it’s like I’m the creaky window pane the rain’s lashing against. I can go on with a world of analogies and make myself sound like a martyr but the truth is also that watching Bhaag Milkha last night also left me feeling rather inadequate about the last twenty years of my life. Once again, that feeling of why the hell was I not thrown into the army or some serious ballet lessons when I was a kid?
I am so emotionally attached to certain things I end up breaking myself over and over again without any external assistance.
I feel so darned stupid right now.
So DARNED STUPID for letting slip my oh SO glorious aortic pump like a plastic raincoat on a rocky waterfall. But then I love doing that, without hoping for a return on any sort of investment. In the office, I’d be considered a complete moron, but inside my insides I guess, I just love to love. And once I begin to love something, damn that’s one lucky thing I’ll be a-lovin’. 🙂
Where the hell was I and where did I just go? I need a birds eye view of the wires in my brain, some petrol and my leg on the accelerator.
*Sigh* IF only. Okay, so please don’t raise your voice, weapons that may be cups of Starbucks frappuccinos are cool. Voice is not. Bring on over some hot chocolate and cupcakes now.
x EdgyShark x
I just realized:
There are some situations in life you just cannot let go of; even if you stray away from all the bullshit and the pain that people caused and you and do not associate yourself with them, but if you still have to see them for the rest some part of your life, you maintain a soft corner for them somewhere. See, it’s not like I’m not strong enough, but it’s just that I’m not mean enough. I could blog and bitch and do all that to make myself feel better, but I’m not going to intentionally hurt someone even if they stabbed me. Because that goes against my principles, and I feel it’s perfectly okay to be that way. It’s not like I’m ever going to go out of my way (or even in my way) to do something for such people anymore, in fact I won’t even speak to them or anything, but it’s just that if they do speak to me, I shall be civil. With a streak of sarcasm, which goes without saying, on days when I’m PMSing.
Also, my cousins do not realize how much I miss them; it’s like they’re all still doing things in the comforts of their own homes and here I am, sitting somewhere that doesn’t even show up on the map. I’m not even IN R@wr-Town per se, some 40 kms from it. I get time off to think about all these things, contemplate a great deal about my every movement and see where I’m going. Living here is like living on small blots of lysergic acid diethylamide perpetually. Because it slows and fastens things down randomly and makes you aware of a heck lot of more detail than living in the bustle of a city.
Moreover, I guess I’m a little too emotional, but that’s how some of us are made. So when I try to speak to my cousins, I want to feel wanted by them too. I don’t wanna do all the missing and all the speaking about them all the time. Sometimes it just feels good to know that you’re wanted too, but I guess this trip back home showed me that no one really gives a damn. Except Bush and Ezra. I know everyone tried to meet me and everything, but it’s not just that, it’s getting that attention from those that you want, at least for five minutes a day. It’s having them talk about you on their BB statuses and facebook updates just like you do all the time. Because if it’s not a two way street, then it’s a hopeless journey and a waste of petrol.
x EdgyShark x
P.S Thank you for the music Ezz, you made me feel young again 😀
It’s mostly been a normal day at work, except His Highness showed his face in today and so I had to be on my professional best. I’ve had stuff to work on, and he called me into his torture chamber an hour ago to ask me for a 411 on the Taj Cor******l case I’ve got my hands on. Except, I don’t know how cool it is to display the secrecy to which I’ve been sworn, thus the above’s in asterisks. BEAR.
I have a telephone to myself. It’s kinda cool too, I have an intercom number for myself and His Highness just called me to ask me something on it! And then I thought, that’s the coolest thing that’s happened by far, except for having a mini brain slip on the metro while remembering the station I had to get down on, so let’s BLOG about it!
On another note, I met a whole bunch of family members after a long time yesterday and they were amazed as to HOW MUCH weight I’ve lost. Which is a pretty awesome thing, but it’s kinda scary because just last week I was wearing my belt on hole number 3 and today I’ve had to push it back to number 5.
Yeah, I’m really trying to up my life happenings a little. Maybe I’ll watch Breaking Dawn on the weekend and then pull all my hair out.
x EdgyShark x
‘Nuff said. God is nothing but an unidentified flying object, floating somewhere in the almost irrevocable piece of the unknown above. (Or below, however you’d like to see it.)
Just a thought that occurred to me with some Coldplay skipping.
x EdgyShark x
A lot of people that I’m working under at the moment, have a really decent sense of humour. You’d think the law doesn’t call for a joke, but ask a lot of these advocates, they’ll tell you it is one 😛 When I first walked into the office and asked them for the wi-fi password, a bunch of them began sniggering like baboons and I thought to myself, if I’d asked them something wrong. The senior then came to me and said, don’t worry, it’s just that the password is ‘pagal baba’. Like SERIOUSLY? 😛 They probably refer to the boss as a mad guy around here, but look at my last post, he’s pretty cool to hang out with.
Anyway, today again, most of the advocates have gone off to court, and I’m sitting here on my super shaped butt and not really in the mood to read anything more on the CPC. The junior associate just walked in and asked me what I was doing. I said reading the CPC, and he nodded his head and went away. But I’m going to now begin on the top crazy things to do when bored at work.
- Say to your boss “I like your style,” and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
- Knit a hedghog.
- Run one lap around the office at top speed.
- Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say ‘Sorry, I really prefer it that way.’
- At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the National Anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
- At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”
- In a colleague’s diary write: “10.00a.m. See how I look in tights.”
- Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask “You wanna swap?”
Do you have more whacks such as this in mind? Comment and post! The world’s waiting 😀
x EdgyShark x
(That rhymed, but that’s beside the point.)
People can’t really comprehend you when you speak because everything ends up sound like BOB.
Your M’s become B’s and N’s become D’s. And then soon, the sound of your own voice begins to distract you to the power of infinity.
At night, you’re forced to sleep with your mouth a little bit open, because otherwise where will the oxygen come in from? And in the morning, you end up feeling like a dog who had his tongue out the window on a drive from Bangalore to Coorg and his tonsils have become dry ice.
So long, suckas!
x EdgyShark x
Things I need, and FAST!
- A DSLR so I can capture time with beauty and not just the random snazz digital cameras give. I have creativity, I need more substance 😛
- A pretty Jap-Indo printed dress
- Some Zing
- Half an entrepreneurship project
- Robert Downey Jr at my disposal
- A photo mug coupon (Yes, I’m STILL stuck there!)
- More Aldo
- An accepted application to NLUD
P.S If you still didn’t get me anything for my birthday, you could recheck here, I’ve made it easy for you. 😉
Karma: Jenson Button for 2011 Championships!
Random Stranger #453: Why suddenly? You know you can support Mark Webber if you want. I won’t tease you 😛
Karma: Because he’s so last season. He’s like… the clearance sales at Aldo. I want Jenson now 😀
x EdgyShark x
Green is not a colour that suits me. Better late than never, right? :]
x EdgyShark x
The pizza guy thinks he can mess with me?
Well, not anymore.
After some fifteen minutes of yelling on the phone and letting him understand that “the customer is always right” is the one golden rule of carrying out a service, he obliged to begin listening to my side of the story. It’s true. If you keep staring at the chics that visit your pizza parlour, you’re going to end up giving the wrong box to your customers. I ordered a double cheese burst crust and I think I can tell the difference between that and a thin crust hand tossed pizza better than I can spell out the first chapter of my Economics textbook.
I ate the thin crust anyway, retained one slice and threw it on the counter the next day for him to see. “Yeah, I was the girl yelling at you on the phone last night.” As I stood there getting fidgety with my cellphone, a bunch of them huddled behind the counter to examine the half broken box and slice from last night. One sniffed it, the other tore it apart to check whether cheese dripped from inside or not. Of course it didn’t. Another looked at me, and I responded by rolling my eyes fairly too well for him to turn around and stop twiddling his thumbs.
“A new large double cheese burst pizza will be right with you in ten minutes as a compensation maam”, finally they said after all that unnecessary conviction.
And that just about covered my subsequent lunch, dinner and one slice for this morning’s breakfast.
x EdgyShark x
There are two objects on the table. You keep staring at them, and you don’t know which one to pick. Which one’s going to be better to take up? You keep thinking to yourself and while the time away. Because really, apart from these two options, there’s nothing else.
And you really really want to pick one of them and go ahead with it, but the other object screams out to you helplessly, begging you to take it up. But it’s okay, because there’s a lot of time and you can do both the things. But which one do you do first?
And maybe, just maybe, after doing the first, you’re going to forget about the second and it’ll just slip away from your mind in a matter of time, and you won’t even think about it anymore.
But it’s cool. Because I picked the packet up and made some pretty great tomato chili popcorn without getting anything burnt or spilled in the process and I feel great 😀
And now I’m going to pick the second object up and hope to memorize it. Hello, business studies 😀
x EdgyShark x